Poem of the week: " The Fix"

He was a collector of broken things

So there was no surprise when he chose me

In my reflection he saw a glimpse of himself

Thinking he might heal if he fixed me

I was blinded by love, but that's not why he picked me

He was trying to soothe his ego

Breaking my heart to make him whole

He was selfish , but I stayed

But that wasn't without consequence

My heart paid the price for being complacent

in a situation that was unhealthy

I'm sure he thought he loved me

But really , he loved that I was more broken

Heart still open

A reminder that there is always someone worst off

You can't fix you by breaking me

Or at least, that's what I thought.

-Taj

Confession Time: Weak Hearts

I only cry at night . Once I remove the mask of the day ; it's hard to pretend. I guess when you're always the strong one , no one bothers asking if you're okay. I'm so tired of being so easy to walk away from . So easy to be unattached , uninvolved and uninterested to and in. My guards don't work and my heart stays open no matter how broken it becomes. I use to be stronger than this , getting over people never took as long as this . I try holding on to this idea that maybe , some day , I'll know the kind of love that people sing about . I've since stopped holding my breath . I keep thinking that there's something left , a glimmer of hope. But no . Where do weakened hearts go? To break . Here's mine , go ahead , take it. I don't need it .

Soul Vibes: Volume I (Poetry Album)

Okay so I'm back. I'm sorry that I leave you all for so long , but I never leave you with nothing. As much as I love blogging , it's not the only thing that I love to do and at times I tend to stretch myself thin, but that's how I work best.; strangely enough. But I'll always come back to you. Promise.

So if you follow me on any of my social media handles then you know that I have been WERKING. I am pretty much operating in all of creative compacties and I am LOVING it. One of my newest works is my poetry album, "Soul Vibes: Volume I" which is a compliation of poetry about love , life and crazy enough, sex. It is like nothing you have ever heard from me and I think that's what makes it special. I kind of go there and push the limits of creative license because some of the material is totally not from my own personal experience , but I needed to try something new and my imagination is bananas. I really hope you all can vibe to it, pun intended. So here's the link for my first poetry album ever and I pray you all love it as much as I do!

Disclaimer: "Come" & "Tonight" are the reason the album has the Parental Advisory Label so proceed with caution. That aside, they are my favorites on the album haha.

-Taj<3

www.soundcloud.com/natajazanelle

The Boy With The Two Left Feet

Picture this:

A young couple ( early 20's at the most ) . Middle of the dance floor . Bachata , Salsa & Merengue music blasting through the speaker. The girlfriend is Hispanic and well versed on the dance moves and rhythm; her boyfriend not so much .


On the surface you ask yourself , why should I care? He can't dance , so what ?
But me being me , I looked a little deeper. Wanna know what I saw?

A young man who despite his inability to follow the movements and rhythm stayed on the dance floor  because he knew his girlfriend enjoyed dancing with him . I saw a young man who pushed to the side his pride and allowed himself to be taught over and over again . Even when various older family members cut in ( the mom , the aunt) to show him the ropes he graciously accepted their lessons. Most people after a couple tries , at anything, quit and throw in the proverbial towel but he kept at it . He didn't get embarrassed or frustratied , in fact he laughed through his mistakes . And even when the song changed and after a while they were the only two on the dance floor , he stayed . The boy with the two left feet kept dancing , just to see the smile on his girlfriends face . And that made me smile . Sometimes in a relationship you have to do what the other wants and it won't always be something you like or know how to do ; that's just the truth of it . But  If everyone approaches that fact with the same happiness that this man did , I think we'll be okay .

Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should , maybe I'm wrong . But in that moment I saw a boy who loved his girl and thought it not robbery to dance his way into her heart regardless that he couldn't dance to save his life.

The boy with two left feet was in love and even as his steps were miscalculated their hearts moved in sync ; love in its purest form.

I pray they dance their way into forever <3

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: Playing Catch Up

I am the queen of posting as a draft instead of actually publishing it ! So sorry, but I am going to get this through this challenge!

Day 25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality .

Hands down, plain with an amazing personality . Honestly they could never be plain if I like their personality . As shallow as I can be at times , beauty isn't more important to me than someone who has a way about themselves . If you know me , you know that me and plain do not mix. At all.

Day 26: What are some things that make you warm and fuzzy? 

Unexpected gifts, long paragraphs written with love , hand written notes, people noticing the simple things, thinking about my future family , romantic movies , people who make me laugh , bonding with my mommy, being complimented , being shown attention , having reasons to smile. Love. 

Day 27: A picture of your handwriting .

Just a simple reminder to myself . 

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: Day 24

Day 24: Seven things you think about a lot

1.God , my faith in him , learning to trust him 

2. My future husband 

3. My future daughters 

4. Sex 

5. Whether I'll be alone and die a virgin

6. How I can make my passion a paycheck 

7. Moving to LA 

30 Day Challenge: Day 17

Day 17: What do you want to be when you get older?




A wife. A mother. A business owner. Successful . Happy.


I want to be the kind of woman who inspires her peers to never give up.
I want to be the BEST version of myself.
I want to be happy.
I want to be who God called me to be.
I want to be an older ME.


-Taj

30 Day Challenge : Day 16

Day 16: If the world were to end tomorrow , what would you do with your remaining time on earth?


Okay before I answer this question , I would like for us all to gather hands for a word of prayer.

God , our Father in Heaven & sweet , sweet son of Christ , please allow this question to be purely hypothetical for while our sister Nataja would love to meet you both, she also would like not to die as an unmarried virgin. Please. Amen.

 I would hug and kiss all of the family & friends I could get to, especially those who I am not in good terms with. And let them know that I love them. I would also be 100% sure that they know God and have accepted Jesus as their savior. Then I would makeout with ________ for the rest of my time on this earth. Because if I have to die a virgin , I would prefer to be closer to losing it then not . Haha. That's so horrible, right ? But it's true. Let's pray that I never have to worry about it!

Late Night Honesty: Draft Two

There's this guy I met a few weeks back that made me this proposition , one I immediately declined, but one I am now reconsidering . He was everything I knew I didn't need and it made me want him even more . The temptation , the wanting it's all very new to me . Operating in the flesh is so very new to me . I'm so use to having this super disciplined guard that I was able to put up without effort and now I feel like it's giving in. I know that waiting is what I want to do , what I need to do , but I can't help but to wonder . Curiosity is going to be the death of me .

He wants to just "play around."

It sounds ludicrous , ridiculous & absurd and yet exactly what my body has been wanting . I fight the urge to text him and tell him to come get me . Take me somewhere I've never been , do something I've never done. I can be the girl who just has fun , right? It's just fun .. What's the harm ? I know the dangers , the consequences and for once I don't give a damn. It could be the 1:40am that's getting to me . It could be the 24 years of waiting . I just want to feel something. Just once. I want to be held so tight it takes away the pain , be kissed so deep I forget my name . I don't want love . I want to be numb .

-Taj 

#QuotesFromFlo

"I always fall for the nice guy , who was just being nice" - A woman who still doesn't know the difference 

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : Hard To Get

I honestly don't mean to play hard to get, its just in my nature. Really it's more of a defense
mechanism because I always start off with the mentality that I am hard to want. I tend to question the
intentions of any man that comes on to me. I don't know , I guess I have a complex.  I definitely have a complex. So I'm sure that I have ran away my fair share of men. I think we as women are taught to play games because we don't want to seem "too available" or "pressed," but who does that benefit? How does pretending you don't like someone, make them like you? I've always been the kind of girl, complex aside, that if I liked you , you'd know. I don't want to text back late just to make it seem like I'm busy because lets be honest, I was waiting all day for you to hit me up. But, I find myself doing that lately . I've become "that girl." I can't wrap my head around why a guy would be interested in me so I play him off. I act uninterested. I decline his request to see me or me him. It was dark outside , he was drinking , maybe he didn't really get a good look at me. What if we meet up and he doesn't like what he sees? Where does that leave me ? So as much as I want to see him, I won't. Because he might likes me , but I don't . How can I give him a chance when I haven't even given myself one? Any takers?

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?

"You're All The Same" Type Men

The fact of the matter is, you will never be privileged to see the inside of my bedroom before I know your intentions. And even then, should I sense even a twinge of ill will , you can pretty much dead that thought altogether. I assure you I am nothing like the women you have dealt with previous to. And for that , I will never apologize. If I am not your "cup of tea" I promise I will take absolutely no offense to you not "drinking me." It takes a certain kind of man to appreciate what I bring to the table and if that's not you, no sweat. We can part ways now with no bad blood between us two, but what I don't want is an impersonator. I despise a pretender.We are grown and you are entitled to live your life according to your own terms , so by all means , do you, just don't trick me into believing you're someone you are not ; into thinking that you want what I want when in actuality you only desire what I can give you. I know you're not accustomed to a woman with standards and while that deeply saddens me I can't help but to wonder whether you are the way you are out of ignorance or cowardliness. But I digress. I am simply writing to express my frustration with "men" of your caliber, for lack of a better term. Men who rummage through life seeking out women for their assets and not their intellect , it's sad. For once I'd love to be complimented on my mental ingenuity, the way I speak in verse so fluently just something worth noticing. Something that says you're observational skills go deeper than my superficial layers. Do that and maybe then I can take you seriously. Because right now I don't. 

Poetic Injustice

Sometimes poetry isn't always pretty. I think people have this misconception about poets, as if every word that flows out our mouths is fully constructed ; every thought worth being written. It's not true. More times than not we are at an absolute lost for words and when we finally find them they are hardly coherent until glossed over. At least this is true with me. For every poem that I am half-way satisfied with there a dozen others crumbled beyond legibility. And even then I am subconsciously editing and re-editing until there is no other combination of stanzas and rhythmic cadences that could work. Sometimes my poems don't always rhyme and then sometimes they rhyme too much. I repeat myself, I over-emphasize. It's a mess and accurately so. Poetry is not without flaws, for me, it is embracing them. Sometimes poetry isn't always pretty, but it sure does sound that way, doesn't it?