"Waiting & Dating:" With A Side of More Waiting!

New city. New job. New attitude. Same relationship status. *cue the violins*

Seriously , is some good ole fashioned male company too much to ask for ? Is that really wishful thinking?
I feel like the older I get the more I feel like I am missing out on something, but am I really? I , only but recently, jumped into the dating scene and already I've grown tired of the games. It would be so refreshing to meet a man who is who he says he is and keeps his word; that is a foreign concept in 2016. Don't get me wrong, 24 years of being single has been nice and has given me plenty of time to work on me with much improvement still needed, but it's no longer what I want to be. I didn't move to LA for love, but I'd at least like to find someone I "like." Someone to explore this new city with; get acclimated to being around and enjoying someone else's company. I am doing my best to open up more , be more social and it's had a positive affect , in every area of my life besides my love life. Go figure. As traditional at heart as I am, I have even branched out on to dating sites , against my better judgement. Close, but no cigar there. I like to think that I give a completely new meaning to the term " hopeless romantic." But I am yet holding on to the idea that one day I will finally be the exception and no longer the rule ( shout out to all my fellow "He's Just NOT that Into You" fans.) I try not to push the issue and I am sure my friends are tired of hearing seeing me sulk about being lonely and alone, but enough is enough. Right now I am going full force with this self-branding and promoting and it is paying off, my only wish is that I had some to share this success with. One date . That's all I am asking for. I am simply throwing it out into the universe and hoping someone hears me. Romance is not dead, we have just simply, exhausted the possibilities. (That's for all my "Love Jones" fans.) And I , Nataja Zanelle , queen of habitual singleness, would love to change that.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Fireworks

All I see is fireworks, all I see is fireworks
Every night its fireworks every night its fireworks
All I see is fireworks all I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks takin' off like oh-ah-oh-oh 

-Drake "Fireworks"

He kissed me . And it was everything I thought it would be. I've been kissed before , but never so deeply. The other guy didn't mean it. I was nervous , I probably sucked at it, but my heart still hasn't stopped skipping a beat. The sky lit up, literally, and nothing else mattered. In his arms, the warmth of his body against mine; at peace. God. If I could bottle the moment the room spun and my breathing became erratic, maybe then you'd understand. I lived in the moment and that's something I've never been able to do. He did that for me. The girl who never felt safe in her own skin, embraced someone else's . 24 years. I waited. And as your lips touched mine I understood why. Whether forever or just that day, you were mine. They say you aren't suppose to kiss and tell, but you are secret I could never keep. If you're reading this, you got me.

-Taj

 

"Waiting & Dating": First Date at 24!

Let's call him Him .

I went on my first date EVER on a cold Tuesday afternoon in December . I opted not to wear a coat. Smart girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I saved the date in my notes. It was December 3rd. I kept it simple and opted for a red ,black and white cardigan I recently brought ( and LOVE) and some black linen pants . I had read somewhere that guys find the color red to be most attractive compared to other colors so I think that played a factor in what I wore. I decided on no makeup ; I prefer my face that way . I was hella nervous , like it was ridiculous and in retrospect there really wasn't any need to be . He took me to an Italian restaurant I've never been to and I ordered what I always do. Honestly my nerves kind of stunted my appetite so I didn't eat much . Besides the company was more important to me. We talk and ate , he paid . Then to spend a little more time together we just rode around . I still remembered feeling safe . And comfortable. I  can't say that for any other guy I've ever been around . I mean I let him pick me up from my dads , so there was a level of trust to start and he didn't make me regret it . He's also big on hugs and I hate them , but his can be an exception. His are an exception . This actually wasn't my first time meeting him , we met up on Thanksgiving and saw Creed ( Michael Bae Jordan is EVERYTHING) , but I don't consider that a date. I knew I liked him that night . I knew I was screwed . I knew nothing good could come from me catching feelings, but did that stop me ? Of course not . We've met up a few times after that and I how I felt , how I feel , hasn't changed . But I'm moving . And once again I'm back where I was at the start . Questioning when ? And somedays if . I'm so bad at reading people and he's no help . I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to get attached , I'll soon be 2,000 some miles away. Is it crazy of me to have hoped for something more ? Hoped that he would take the chance at trying to build something despite the distance . I guess us hopeless romantics have a different way of thinking . Either way , I am blessed to have met him & to have spent the little bit of time I did get. He will always be a good memory❤️

"Waiting & Dating"x YouTube

Hey ya'll !

Did ya miss me? I'm sure by now you are use to my inconsistency , but  I promise I am trying!
Part of my absence is due to me finally starting my YouTube channel!!! And I have you all and this blog to thank for that. I've always wanted to share my journey, like I do here, and what better place to do it than on YouTube. I feel it its where I am supposed to be. It will be a vlog series called "Single In The City" chronicling my experiences dating and finding love as a 21st century virgin who plans to abstain until marriage. But don't worry, I will still be updating both my blogs with content :) I just wanted to keep you all up to speed, hence this short but simple post. I sure hope you all decide to tune into my vlog channel. I have another blog post just chilling in my drafts and as soon as I find the right words to finish it I will get that to you all. In the meantime and in between time, check me out here :)

-Taj

30 Day Challenge VLog: "They Never Do"

I want to bring some more consistency to my blog and in an effort to do so, I've decided to do a 30 day writing challenge on both of my blogs! For today's post , I'm suppose to write 10 things about myself but instead I'm going to do you all one better and post a video of me performing a poem last night entitled " They Never Do." When I heard about this poetry event, Voices In Power, I knew that I wanted to write something new and personal. Something that spoke to where I am right now in my life and "They Never Do" is a perfect representation of that. I was a bit reluctant to post this video because with the poem being newly written I did mess up a little bit , but I chalked it up to being human and have decided to post it any way. I pray you all receive it that way my heart gave it.


Have to give a huge shout out to my friend , the beautiful and talented Ms. Ari Leticia, who helped to make this piece one of my favorites :)


-Taj

"Waiting & Dating: When Will It End? "

Am I the only one fed up with inane banter and pointless conversations?

Repetitious introductions and reliving past love complications 

All in the name of getting to know someone 

Who may or may not be the one you spend the rest of your life with? 

I mean, am I the only one, tired of falling for bullshit? 

Tired of falling .

Just tired. 

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : Hard To Get

I honestly don't mean to play hard to get, its just in my nature. Really it's more of a defense
mechanism because I always start off with the mentality that I am hard to want. I tend to question the
intentions of any man that comes on to me. I don't know , I guess I have a complex.  I definitely have a complex. So I'm sure that I have ran away my fair share of men. I think we as women are taught to play games because we don't want to seem "too available" or "pressed," but who does that benefit? How does pretending you don't like someone, make them like you? I've always been the kind of girl, complex aside, that if I liked you , you'd know. I don't want to text back late just to make it seem like I'm busy because lets be honest, I was waiting all day for you to hit me up. But, I find myself doing that lately . I've become "that girl." I can't wrap my head around why a guy would be interested in me so I play him off. I act uninterested. I decline his request to see me or me him. It was dark outside , he was drinking , maybe he didn't really get a good look at me. What if we meet up and he doesn't like what he sees? Where does that leave me ? So as much as I want to see him, I won't. Because he might likes me , but I don't . How can I give him a chance when I haven't even given myself one? Any takers?

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

"Waiting & Dating": I Am Ready

One of my best-friends told me today "I think you need to go to church to find your husband." We weren't talking about relationships or anything , but I think she could feel that some of my frustration was from my lack of excitement in the area of romance. Well I wouldn't say lack as much as non-existence . And honestly it was some of the best unsolicited advice I have ever been given. I told her she was right and that we should go together. I've been saying recently that I would really like to get back into going to church regularly . But what I omitted was that I'm afraid . Afraid to go back , because I'm not the girl I use to be . In some ways I am thankful for that , but mostly I've changed for the not so good . I'm not who I use to be and while I know The Lord will love me anyway it's not so much him ,  but the people who knew me for what I was and what they'll think when they see me now. I could go on and on about how peoples opinion don't matter and they shouldn't but for me they do . I am embarrassed . And all I can think is that , what Godly man would look at me? I guess it's easier to look in the world because that's what I see when I look in the mirror. But that's not what I want. That's not who I want to be . So as scared as I am , as embarrassed as I am , I'm coming home. Because that's where I belong . Husband , your wife will be ready .. when you are.

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?

" Waiting & Dating"- Are all guys the same?

I'm always disappointed when another guy is scared off by my vow to wait for marriage to have sex. And each time my esteem takes a blow. I know I shouldn't take it personally , that everyone is entitled to their own preference, but I can't help but feel like I'm not enough. It's like, they don't even stick around to get to know me better. That tells me that all they've ever wanted was sex and because I couldn't give them that , I'm a waste of their time. And that hurts. It's a pain that can't be numbed. I try really hard not to let it bother me , but it does. Honestly , it's really discouraging to think that I'm not worth getting to know because I prefer to keep my legs closed. There's so much more to me , I promise. And I'm waiting for the day when someone will take the time to find that out. But I fear , that no one ever will. And I don't know what's worst the waiting or the fear that I'm waiting in vain.

"Waiting & Dating"- Introductions

Starting this blog I kind of jumped right into it , no introductions or anything . Allow me to apologize for that . I have another blog and I sometimes forget that they aren't synonymous and that you all don't know me as well as though who follow my Just Talk, Ill Listen blog on Wordpress. My name is Nataja , I'm 22 and I am abstaining until marriage. And yes, I am still a virgin. This is important to these series of posts I will be writing under the name "Waiting & Dating" , in which this is the first one. I want to take you guys on the ride as I experience dating ,and all the things that come with it ,for the first time as a woman who plans to save sex for her wedding night. I have never been on an official date and I've never had a boyfriend so everything is pretty new to me. I have a feeling I won't be writing too soon about any dates seeing as though guys can never seem to get pass the fact that I won't sleep with them. Pray for me. I need it haha.