The Ones Who Stay

We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
To be enough
But it never is
We seek closure behind closed doors
and closed off hearts
We adore you when you ignore us
We always love more , give more
than we get
And oh how quickly
and easily you forget
We stay and we rationalize
We breathe pain and exhale cries
We eat your broken promises for breakfast
Taste your infidelity for dinner
And still can stomach fixing your plate
Yeah the sorrys they come
But they're always too late
They always feel empty
This house feels cold
We laugh like it's funny
But the jokes getting old
The days are getting long
And love is starting to feel
a hell of lot like playing the fool
Because , I mean, if you really love him
Won't you ?
Don't we ?
We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
But what happens when we have nothing left to give,
nothing left to say ?
Do you really wanna know
what it feels like to lose
The Ones Who Stay?

-Nataja Zanelle

Poem of the Week : "Fall In"

I look for you in crowds
even when I know you're no where around
Your face has been ingrained in each and every single day dream
Since the day that I met you
I just can't seem to shake you
It's frustrating
This building unwarranted anticipation
Just to knowingly climax into disappointment
It's like I have a standing appointment with rejection
 I try to convince my reflection
That you're not out of my league
But the friend-zone was built on the backs of girls like me
Who am I fooling?
Sitting here thinking bout you
What am I doing?
Other than losing my sanity
Over a man who didn't choose me
Yet here I am searching for your face
everywhere that I go
My mind pleading, " Taj, let him go"
But my heart always wins
Why does this keep happening
I thought only fools fall in ?
-Taj

Confession Time: Weak Hearts

I only cry at night . Once I remove the mask of the day ; it's hard to pretend. I guess when you're always the strong one , no one bothers asking if you're okay. I'm so tired of being so easy to walk away from . So easy to be unattached , uninvolved and uninterested to and in. My guards don't work and my heart stays open no matter how broken it becomes. I use to be stronger than this , getting over people never took as long as this . I try holding on to this idea that maybe , some day , I'll know the kind of love that people sing about . I've since stopped holding my breath . I keep thinking that there's something left , a glimmer of hope. But no . Where do weakened hearts go? To break . Here's mine , go ahead , take it. I don't need it .

"Waiting & Dating:" With A Side of More Waiting!

New city. New job. New attitude. Same relationship status. *cue the violins*

Seriously , is some good ole fashioned male company too much to ask for ? Is that really wishful thinking?
I feel like the older I get the more I feel like I am missing out on something, but am I really? I , only but recently, jumped into the dating scene and already I've grown tired of the games. It would be so refreshing to meet a man who is who he says he is and keeps his word; that is a foreign concept in 2016. Don't get me wrong, 24 years of being single has been nice and has given me plenty of time to work on me with much improvement still needed, but it's no longer what I want to be. I didn't move to LA for love, but I'd at least like to find someone I "like." Someone to explore this new city with; get acclimated to being around and enjoying someone else's company. I am doing my best to open up more , be more social and it's had a positive affect , in every area of my life besides my love life. Go figure. As traditional at heart as I am, I have even branched out on to dating sites , against my better judgement. Close, but no cigar there. I like to think that I give a completely new meaning to the term " hopeless romantic." But I am yet holding on to the idea that one day I will finally be the exception and no longer the rule ( shout out to all my fellow "He's Just NOT that Into You" fans.) I try not to push the issue and I am sure my friends are tired of hearing seeing me sulk about being lonely and alone, but enough is enough. Right now I am going full force with this self-branding and promoting and it is paying off, my only wish is that I had some to share this success with. One date . That's all I am asking for. I am simply throwing it out into the universe and hoping someone hears me. Romance is not dead, we have just simply, exhausted the possibilities. (That's for all my "Love Jones" fans.) And I , Nataja Zanelle , queen of habitual singleness, would love to change that.

-Taj

Exciting News!: "Love Letters"

So do you all remember the guy from my "30 Day Challenge: I know, I know" blog post. The guy that I didn't want to mention for fear that I would somehow jinx it. Well , maybe I was right. I hate when I'm right.
I won't get into the when, why & how , yet. See every man that has ever came in my life has resulted in the release of some kind of creative venture for me . I don't know why, but pain and passion is synonymous for me; I create best when I'm hurt. And this time is no different.

I give you the birth of my first book ,  "Love Letters I Would Have Sent" (If I thought you would read them.)

This book is an ode to all the men I thought I loved before and a look at how each of the lessons I have learned from them has made me who I am. I am excited but also nervous to be so open and honest about the hurt and the healing that has taken place. But I am confident that my pain will be someone else's breakthrough. I write to inspire and encourage you to love like you've never been hurt because each new person is a new beginning. I don't want to give away too much and I won't be doing too much marketing for this book either because it's not about the money. I just want to tell my story , at least the part of it that has already been written. I pray that you support this new chapter, no pun intended , of my life as I embark on a journey of learning to love, again. Be sure to check out my official website for any updates regarding the book and other events I will be apart of ! As of right now the set release date is 7/25/2016 , which is also my birthday <3 I can't wait for you to read this book!

P.S A special thank you to my most recent "Almost Doesn't Count," you inadvertently , made this book possible. And I'll always love you for that.

-Taj<3

Confession Time: Maybe I Should Call

"I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm

          Maybe I should call 

          Maybe I should call

I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm
But I never call
Maybe that's my flaw"
-K Michelle (w/ a bit of a change)

But honestly even if  I called , what would I say ? I have no clue , so I assume .  I can't make you feel what you don't . And the only person who ends up hurt , is me. And I've been broken long enough to know that it's not worth it . Feeling like you deserve someone is a hurting I wouldn't wish on even an enemy. I'm so tired of being the one to fall . Tired of being the one who gets caught up. I'm still learning the difference betweem a nice guy and guy who's just being nice. Forgive me . A few moments to you can last a lifetime in this twisted mind of mine. I am a tragic masochist ; I'll always want what I can't have . Call it human nature . I'm sorry . One day I'll learn.

-Taj

Confession Time: Physical Touch

I've long convinced myself that being different is okay . And maybe that's why I have allowed myself to overlook an issue that I think could be rather detrimental going forward for me.

I hate physical touch.

No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl.  My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.

When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?

Am I Broken?

I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.

Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.

So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think  I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .

1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1.  "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.

I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.

My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Fireworks

All I see is fireworks, all I see is fireworks
Every night its fireworks every night its fireworks
All I see is fireworks all I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks takin' off like oh-ah-oh-oh 

-Drake "Fireworks"

He kissed me . And it was everything I thought it would be. I've been kissed before , but never so deeply. The other guy didn't mean it. I was nervous , I probably sucked at it, but my heart still hasn't stopped skipping a beat. The sky lit up, literally, and nothing else mattered. In his arms, the warmth of his body against mine; at peace. God. If I could bottle the moment the room spun and my breathing became erratic, maybe then you'd understand. I lived in the moment and that's something I've never been able to do. He did that for me. The girl who never felt safe in her own skin, embraced someone else's . 24 years. I waited. And as your lips touched mine I understood why. Whether forever or just that day, you were mine. They say you aren't suppose to kiss and tell, but you are secret I could never keep. If you're reading this, you got me.

-Taj

 

"Waiting & Dating": First Date at 24!

Let's call him Him .

I went on my first date EVER on a cold Tuesday afternoon in December . I opted not to wear a coat. Smart girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I saved the date in my notes. It was December 3rd. I kept it simple and opted for a red ,black and white cardigan I recently brought ( and LOVE) and some black linen pants . I had read somewhere that guys find the color red to be most attractive compared to other colors so I think that played a factor in what I wore. I decided on no makeup ; I prefer my face that way . I was hella nervous , like it was ridiculous and in retrospect there really wasn't any need to be . He took me to an Italian restaurant I've never been to and I ordered what I always do. Honestly my nerves kind of stunted my appetite so I didn't eat much . Besides the company was more important to me. We talk and ate , he paid . Then to spend a little more time together we just rode around . I still remembered feeling safe . And comfortable. I  can't say that for any other guy I've ever been around . I mean I let him pick me up from my dads , so there was a level of trust to start and he didn't make me regret it . He's also big on hugs and I hate them , but his can be an exception. His are an exception . This actually wasn't my first time meeting him , we met up on Thanksgiving and saw Creed ( Michael Bae Jordan is EVERYTHING) , but I don't consider that a date. I knew I liked him that night . I knew I was screwed . I knew nothing good could come from me catching feelings, but did that stop me ? Of course not . We've met up a few times after that and I how I felt , how I feel , hasn't changed . But I'm moving . And once again I'm back where I was at the start . Questioning when ? And somedays if . I'm so bad at reading people and he's no help . I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to get attached , I'll soon be 2,000 some miles away. Is it crazy of me to have hoped for something more ? Hoped that he would take the chance at trying to build something despite the distance . I guess us hopeless romantics have a different way of thinking . Either way , I am blessed to have met him & to have spent the little bit of time I did get. He will always be a good memory❤️

"Waiting & Dating"x YouTube

Hey ya'll !

Did ya miss me? I'm sure by now you are use to my inconsistency , but  I promise I am trying!
Part of my absence is due to me finally starting my YouTube channel!!! And I have you all and this blog to thank for that. I've always wanted to share my journey, like I do here, and what better place to do it than on YouTube. I feel it its where I am supposed to be. It will be a vlog series called "Single In The City" chronicling my experiences dating and finding love as a 21st century virgin who plans to abstain until marriage. But don't worry, I will still be updating both my blogs with content :) I just wanted to keep you all up to speed, hence this short but simple post. I sure hope you all decide to tune into my vlog channel. I have another blog post just chilling in my drafts and as soon as I find the right words to finish it I will get that to you all. In the meantime and in between time, check me out here :)

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: I know, I know

So nine days into December I am confronted with the realization that I never finished my last post for the challenge last month. Gosh, I really need to get it together haha. Seriously. For the sake of finishing what I started here is the post, I totally understand if you don't care to read it haha, it is very late. Forgive me.


Day 30: Anything you want to post about ( So convenient ! )


So there's this guy . . .


This should probably go under my waiting and dating tags, but I am too afraid to speak too soon. It's taking everything in me not to blog about EVERYTHING. But I am afraid saying too much might somehow mess it up. I know that's a bit superstitious and normally that's not something I would allow to stop me ,but its the first time I've felt this way and I just can't risk it. I don't know guys, I'm scared. It's been quite a while since I've liked someone as much as I like this guy and we all know I've never dated before so all this is new to me. My friends are probably sick of hearing me blab on and on , but I've never been one to hold a secret and when I am passionate about something I want everyone to know. I just really don't want him to end up on the list of "Almost Doesn't Count's ." At this point that would really hurt me. But we will see. I'll try typing something up soon and hopefully I'll have the nerve to hit "Publish." We will see.


-Taj

Late Night Honesty: Draft Three

I can always feel the fade to back coming . The fade back to reality . Conversations get shorter. Questions stop being asked . The spark dies , if there ever really was one to begin with. I don't know that there was. Maybe I wanted it to be. But wanting something doesn't make it real . And wishing for something doesn't mean it will come. It's like I can feel the exact moment where they lose interest; each time always different than the last. But it always stings. Like a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol on a freshly skinned knee; the intensity still shocks me. I don't think I'll ever get used to the redundancy of the continuous cycle of introductions and goodbyes . I can feel my heart hardening and my perspective closing . Guards are reforming . And I fear that "the one" will be met with this newfound resistance and uncertainty. Because everyone claims they're different but they're just a different kind of the same. My head hurts , my heart does too. The fade back never gets easier.

Late Night Honesty : Draft One

If I'm being honest ...

Most days I feel like I'm going to die a virgin. And I feel horrible because that means that I don't trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. That he will bring the man that he has destined for me . 

If I'm being honest ... 

I don't see a world where I'm not a mother and a wife. I can't see it . I don't want to. More than anything , more than having fame and recognition , more than the world knowing my name all I really want is to come home to kids who scream "mommy" at the top of their lungs all day and a husband who doesn't know how to put down the toilet seat, but knows exactly what to do to make it up to me. I want a family. And I don't want to live in a  world where that doesn't exist. 

If I'm being honest ...

I'm crying as I type this , because I'm scared out of my mind that it won't happen. Scared that I'm not enough. That I'm too much. That this is all it will ever be. 

Please God, don't let this be all it will ever be. 

-Taj

#QuotesFromFlo

"They're all different , until they're all the same" - A woman tired of the lies

Note To Self:Entry 2

So you were wrong about that guy, and the guy before that and the guy before that. You are always wrong. Never enough. Always too much. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, its . . . too much. It always starts out great ; good conversation and seemingly pure intentions. But at some point the façade always fades and the truth makes a liar out of you. Some stick it out longer than others , giving you the hope that maybe just maybe, but then time makes a liar out of you. And its always the same, never a good bye , just a fade back to reality. To the reality that time, loyalty and love mean nothing if sex doesn't come with it. Your company , your presence are not adequate enough to hold a man's attention. That is frustrating, that is heartbreaking that is . . . too much.
But, you're not "holding out" to prove a point or to exert some kind of power over men , you're waiting because sex means more to you than temporary relationships and everlasting soul ties. You're waiting because sex is just as sacred to you as marriage and you would like to experience the two together. You're waiting because you want to stand before your husband on your wedding day knowing that he and only he will have a part of you that no man has ever or will ever have. That he will know depths of you that no man has ever known. That your mind, heart & body is entrusted in the hands of a man who stood before God and declared that he promised to protect it. And maybe to some people you're thinking is outdated or religious or downright illogical; maybe they're right. But faith is defined as : "... the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". You believe in a God that you can't see so why is it so wrong to believe in a love you've never felt, from a man you've never met. Crazier things have happened. I know you're frustrated. I know you're heartbroken. And I know at times it can be . . . too much . But your prayer has been heard and your wait is not for naught. The same faith that has gotten you this far , will guide you down the isle. You've waited. Now wait just a while longer.


-Taj

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

Lovers Anonymous: Third Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

So there's this guy and you know what, he's pretty awesome. For his privacy , and because I tend to run guys off a lot, I'll keep his name confidential. We've been texting pretty frequently these days and I have to admit that talking to him is the better part of most of my days. Surprisingly our conversation has been so mature and open , its like we talk about everything. Life, love, goals , dreams ; everything in between. It's so refreshing to be able to maintain such friendly conversation with the opposite sex without fear of it turning sexual and becoming awkward. He hasn't once made a sexual comment or joke and I haven't told him this, but he's the first and I am so thankful for that. All the guys that I have talked to in the past always find a way to include sex in the conversation and truthfully its a huge turn off for me. It's like you hardly know me , but you want to sex me, miss me with that. Like at least get to know me a little before trying to take the grand tour of my body. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Back to this guy. He's awesome; he's attractive and goal-oriented and he's a family guy. Sad thing is I'm secretly waiting for him to say the wrong thing , to mess up and make me cut him off. I'm afraid that he's not who he says he , but even more afraid that maybe he is. The one thing that I love about him is that when I told him that I'm waiting until marriage he didn't freak out like most guys and just stop texting me. He was so cool about it and further more it ,in no way , affected our conversations; they got better. But things always go bad at some point. I'm just praying that this time will be different. I actually haven't heard from him in a day or so and I'm already getting nervous. I know, Im a nut case. But I fall easily and I get use to having someone to talk to and when it's gone , I notice. I'm just scared that I get on his nerves or that he'll grow bored with me , because I can only give him good talks and good vibes. Sometimes it makes me sad, thinking that I'm not enough, because where did I learn that? When was I taught that sex is the only way to get and keep a guy? Maybe, he'll be the one to break me out of that cycle, by staying. Who knows whats in the cards for me, but if its him, I won't be mad at them. If you're reading this, I think I sorta kinda , definitely totally like you. A lot. So ask me out already! Sheesh.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : Hard To Get

I honestly don't mean to play hard to get, its just in my nature. Really it's more of a defense
mechanism because I always start off with the mentality that I am hard to want. I tend to question the
intentions of any man that comes on to me. I don't know , I guess I have a complex.  I definitely have a complex. So I'm sure that I have ran away my fair share of men. I think we as women are taught to play games because we don't want to seem "too available" or "pressed," but who does that benefit? How does pretending you don't like someone, make them like you? I've always been the kind of girl, complex aside, that if I liked you , you'd know. I don't want to text back late just to make it seem like I'm busy because lets be honest, I was waiting all day for you to hit me up. But, I find myself doing that lately . I've become "that girl." I can't wrap my head around why a guy would be interested in me so I play him off. I act uninterested. I decline his request to see me or me him. It was dark outside , he was drinking , maybe he didn't really get a good look at me. What if we meet up and he doesn't like what he sees? Where does that leave me ? So as much as I want to see him, I won't. Because he might likes me , but I don't . How can I give him a chance when I haven't even given myself one? Any takers?