Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous: Third Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

So there's this guy and you know what, he's pretty awesome. For his privacy , and because I tend to run guys off a lot, I'll keep his name confidential. We've been texting pretty frequently these days and I have to admit that talking to him is the better part of most of my days. Surprisingly our conversation has been so mature and open , its like we talk about everything. Life, love, goals , dreams ; everything in between. It's so refreshing to be able to maintain such friendly conversation with the opposite sex without fear of it turning sexual and becoming awkward. He hasn't once made a sexual comment or joke and I haven't told him this, but he's the first and I am so thankful for that. All the guys that I have talked to in the past always find a way to include sex in the conversation and truthfully its a huge turn off for me. It's like you hardly know me , but you want to sex me, miss me with that. Like at least get to know me a little before trying to take the grand tour of my body. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Back to this guy. He's awesome; he's attractive and goal-oriented and he's a family guy. Sad thing is I'm secretly waiting for him to say the wrong thing , to mess up and make me cut him off. I'm afraid that he's not who he says he , but even more afraid that maybe he is. The one thing that I love about him is that when I told him that I'm waiting until marriage he didn't freak out like most guys and just stop texting me. He was so cool about it and further more it ,in no way , affected our conversations; they got better. But things always go bad at some point. I'm just praying that this time will be different. I actually haven't heard from him in a day or so and I'm already getting nervous. I know, Im a nut case. But I fall easily and I get use to having someone to talk to and when it's gone , I notice. I'm just scared that I get on his nerves or that he'll grow bored with me , because I can only give him good talks and good vibes. Sometimes it makes me sad, thinking that I'm not enough, because where did I learn that? When was I taught that sex is the only way to get and keep a guy? Maybe, he'll be the one to break me out of that cycle, by staying. Who knows whats in the cards for me, but if its him, I won't be mad at them. If you're reading this, I think I sorta kinda , definitely totally like you. A lot. So ask me out already! Sheesh.

-Taj

"Serial Crusher"

Hello my name is Nataja and I am what people would call a serial crusher . For those who aren't familiar with the term I took the liberty of acquiring the definition. 

Serial Crusher

n. 

1. Someone prone to having multiple crushes either all at once or consecutively within a short period of time. Although they fizzle quickly , while in the moment , the "crush" is all that the person thinks of . Often times the ability to differentiate between love and infatuation is lost in this individual .

* Not to be confused with Serial Dater. These crushes are almost always one-sided and headed nowhere quick. 

I noticed quite early on that I displayed the behaviors of a serial crusher but just didn't have the correct term at the time , and now I know . For me it started in the 5th grade mainly because anything farther back than that is very foggy in my mind.

 So let's see . . . 

There was: Ralph Tucker in 5th grade who I thought , at the time, was destined to be my husband , Lewis Toler in sixth grade who I don't ever remember speaking to ( I was extremely shy) but liked all the same, Charles Snow , also throughout sixth grade, we didn't go to school together but we went to the same church ; he had a rough edgy look that you didn't see from most church guys and that's what I liked, Dewayne Walker for the last half of sixth & most of seventh grade, some guy named Reggie in eight grade , sometime during all of this there was also my ex-bestfriend/next door neighbors nephew (he was our age) Laurian Cuffy (May he rest in peace), Marcos Reyes in ninth grade ; math class was finally enjoyable , Lamar Griffis who I happened to go to church with and much later his other brother Keith ( don't judge me they are some fine looking brothers) I was pretty delusional with the older brother thinking I was in love sheesh I probably scared him off and then there was  Lamont Redd , I've loved him since I was 11 and that shit just wouldn't go away. And then I grew up , thank God. I managed to graduate highschool completely crush-free , well, not any new crushes anyway. A few months after I turned 21 I had my first kiss with a jerk named Dino and that is me being nice . That story is another post for another time. Fastforwarding to today there's this guy named Collin .  He actually inspired a blog post or two , see if you can guess which !  Now keep in mind these are just the big crushes and do not include celebrities or minor crushes. I'm not sure if this is normal or if I'm all alone in this "serial crushing" world . What you guys think ?