Today.

I feel like a fool. Oh how befitting.

Confession Time: Maybe I Should Call

"I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm

          Maybe I should call 

          Maybe I should call

I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm
But I never call
Maybe that's my flaw"
-K Michelle (w/ a bit of a change)

But honestly even if  I called , what would I say ? I have no clue , so I assume .  I can't make you feel what you don't . And the only person who ends up hurt , is me. And I've been broken long enough to know that it's not worth it . Feeling like you deserve someone is a hurting I wouldn't wish on even an enemy. I'm so tired of being the one to fall . Tired of being the one who gets caught up. I'm still learning the difference betweem a nice guy and guy who's just being nice. Forgive me . A few moments to you can last a lifetime in this twisted mind of mine. I am a tragic masochist ; I'll always want what I can't have . Call it human nature . I'm sorry . One day I'll learn.

-Taj

Confession Time: Physical Touch

I've long convinced myself that being different is okay . And maybe that's why I have allowed myself to overlook an issue that I think could be rather detrimental going forward for me.

I hate physical touch.

No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl.  My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.

When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?

Am I Broken?

I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.

Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.

So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think  I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .

1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1.  "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.

I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.

My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: I know, I know

So nine days into December I am confronted with the realization that I never finished my last post for the challenge last month. Gosh, I really need to get it together haha. Seriously. For the sake of finishing what I started here is the post, I totally understand if you don't care to read it haha, it is very late. Forgive me.


Day 30: Anything you want to post about ( So convenient ! )


So there's this guy . . .


This should probably go under my waiting and dating tags, but I am too afraid to speak too soon. It's taking everything in me not to blog about EVERYTHING. But I am afraid saying too much might somehow mess it up. I know that's a bit superstitious and normally that's not something I would allow to stop me ,but its the first time I've felt this way and I just can't risk it. I don't know guys, I'm scared. It's been quite a while since I've liked someone as much as I like this guy and we all know I've never dated before so all this is new to me. My friends are probably sick of hearing me blab on and on , but I've never been one to hold a secret and when I am passionate about something I want everyone to know. I just really don't want him to end up on the list of "Almost Doesn't Count's ." At this point that would really hurt me. But we will see. I'll try typing something up soon and hopefully I'll have the nerve to hit "Publish." We will see.


-Taj