Confession Time: Physical Touch

I've long convinced myself that being different is okay . And maybe that's why I have allowed myself to overlook an issue that I think could be rather detrimental going forward for me.

I hate physical touch.

No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl.  My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.

When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?

Am I Broken?

I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.

Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.

So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think  I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .

1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1.  "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.

I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.

My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.

-Taj

#QuotesFromFlo

"I always fall for the nice guy , who was just being nice" - A woman who still doesn't know the difference 

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?