Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

Late Night Honesty: Draft Three

I can always feel the fade to back coming . The fade back to reality . Conversations get shorter. Questions stop being asked . The spark dies , if there ever really was one to begin with. I don't know that there was. Maybe I wanted it to be. But wanting something doesn't make it real . And wishing for something doesn't mean it will come. It's like I can feel the exact moment where they lose interest; each time always different than the last. But it always stings. Like a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol on a freshly skinned knee; the intensity still shocks me. I don't think I'll ever get used to the redundancy of the continuous cycle of introductions and goodbyes . I can feel my heart hardening and my perspective closing . Guards are reforming . And I fear that "the one" will be met with this newfound resistance and uncertainty. Because everyone claims they're different but they're just a different kind of the same. My head hurts , my heart does too. The fade back never gets easier.

30 Day Challenge VLog: "They Never Do"

I want to bring some more consistency to my blog and in an effort to do so, I've decided to do a 30 day writing challenge on both of my blogs! For today's post , I'm suppose to write 10 things about myself but instead I'm going to do you all one better and post a video of me performing a poem last night entitled " They Never Do." When I heard about this poetry event, Voices In Power, I knew that I wanted to write something new and personal. Something that spoke to where I am right now in my life and "They Never Do" is a perfect representation of that. I was a bit reluctant to post this video because with the poem being newly written I did mess up a little bit , but I chalked it up to being human and have decided to post it any way. I pray you all receive it that way my heart gave it.


Have to give a huge shout out to my friend , the beautiful and talented Ms. Ari Leticia, who helped to make this piece one of my favorites :)


-Taj

"Waiting & Dating: When Will It End? "

Am I the only one fed up with inane banter and pointless conversations?

Repetitious introductions and reliving past love complications 

All in the name of getting to know someone 

Who may or may not be the one you spend the rest of your life with? 

I mean, am I the only one, tired of falling for bullshit? 

Tired of falling .

Just tired. 

#QuotesFromFlo

"I always fall for the nice guy , who was just being nice" - A woman who still doesn't know the difference 

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?