The Ones Who Stay

We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
To be enough
But it never is
We seek closure behind closed doors
and closed off hearts
We adore you when you ignore us
We always love more , give more
than we get
And oh how quickly
and easily you forget
We stay and we rationalize
We breathe pain and exhale cries
We eat your broken promises for breakfast
Taste your infidelity for dinner
And still can stomach fixing your plate
Yeah the sorrys they come
But they're always too late
They always feel empty
This house feels cold
We laugh like it's funny
But the jokes getting old
The days are getting long
And love is starting to feel
a hell of lot like playing the fool
Because , I mean, if you really love him
Won't you ?
Don't we ?
We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
But what happens when we have nothing left to give,
nothing left to say ?
Do you really wanna know
what it feels like to lose
The Ones Who Stay?

-Nataja Zanelle

Poem of the week: " The Fix"

He was a collector of broken things

So there was no surprise when he chose me

In my reflection he saw a glimpse of himself

Thinking he might heal if he fixed me

I was blinded by love, but that's not why he picked me

He was trying to soothe his ego

Breaking my heart to make him whole

He was selfish , but I stayed

But that wasn't without consequence

My heart paid the price for being complacent

in a situation that was unhealthy

I'm sure he thought he loved me

But really , he loved that I was more broken

Heart still open

A reminder that there is always someone worst off

You can't fix you by breaking me

Or at least, that's what I thought.

-Taj

Poem of the Week : "Fall In"

I look for you in crowds
even when I know you're no where around
Your face has been ingrained in each and every single day dream
Since the day that I met you
I just can't seem to shake you
It's frustrating
This building unwarranted anticipation
Just to knowingly climax into disappointment
It's like I have a standing appointment with rejection
 I try to convince my reflection
That you're not out of my league
But the friend-zone was built on the backs of girls like me
Who am I fooling?
Sitting here thinking bout you
What am I doing?
Other than losing my sanity
Over a man who didn't choose me
Yet here I am searching for your face
everywhere that I go
My mind pleading, " Taj, let him go"
But my heart always wins
Why does this keep happening
I thought only fools fall in ?
-Taj

Confession Time: Weak Hearts

I only cry at night . Once I remove the mask of the day ; it's hard to pretend. I guess when you're always the strong one , no one bothers asking if you're okay. I'm so tired of being so easy to walk away from . So easy to be unattached , uninvolved and uninterested to and in. My guards don't work and my heart stays open no matter how broken it becomes. I use to be stronger than this , getting over people never took as long as this . I try holding on to this idea that maybe , some day , I'll know the kind of love that people sing about . I've since stopped holding my breath . I keep thinking that there's something left , a glimmer of hope. But no . Where do weakened hearts go? To break . Here's mine , go ahead , take it. I don't need it .

Exciting News!: "Love Letters"

So do you all remember the guy from my "30 Day Challenge: I know, I know" blog post. The guy that I didn't want to mention for fear that I would somehow jinx it. Well , maybe I was right. I hate when I'm right.
I won't get into the when, why & how , yet. See every man that has ever came in my life has resulted in the release of some kind of creative venture for me . I don't know why, but pain and passion is synonymous for me; I create best when I'm hurt. And this time is no different.

I give you the birth of my first book ,  "Love Letters I Would Have Sent" (If I thought you would read them.)

This book is an ode to all the men I thought I loved before and a look at how each of the lessons I have learned from them has made me who I am. I am excited but also nervous to be so open and honest about the hurt and the healing that has taken place. But I am confident that my pain will be someone else's breakthrough. I write to inspire and encourage you to love like you've never been hurt because each new person is a new beginning. I don't want to give away too much and I won't be doing too much marketing for this book either because it's not about the money. I just want to tell my story , at least the part of it that has already been written. I pray that you support this new chapter, no pun intended , of my life as I embark on a journey of learning to love, again. Be sure to check out my official website for any updates regarding the book and other events I will be apart of ! As of right now the set release date is 7/25/2016 , which is also my birthday <3 I can't wait for you to read this book!

P.S A special thank you to my most recent "Almost Doesn't Count," you inadvertently , made this book possible. And I'll always love you for that.

-Taj<3

Late Night Honesty: Draft Four

I am unable to let people go.

You can hurt me and I'll still find a reason to keep you around. I'll make excuses for you and lie to myself just to justify my inability to cut ties. I say I am the girl who leaves before she's left, but really that isn't true. No matter how much I might want it to be because apart of me will still hold on to them. I give of myself , I give freely and without hesitation never stopping to think whether they deserve me. Whether they will stick around long enough to care. (They never do.) I'm just fed up with being the girl who gets the "I'm sorrys", but never the "I'll change." The girl who puts in the effort , but gets nothing in return. The girl who lets things slide for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm tired of the constant disappointment. Tired of the utter disregard for my feelings.

I am unable to let people go.

Even when I know that I should; it hurts like hell.

-Taj

Late Night Honesty: Draft Three

I can always feel the fade to back coming . The fade back to reality . Conversations get shorter. Questions stop being asked . The spark dies , if there ever really was one to begin with. I don't know that there was. Maybe I wanted it to be. But wanting something doesn't make it real . And wishing for something doesn't mean it will come. It's like I can feel the exact moment where they lose interest; each time always different than the last. But it always stings. Like a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol on a freshly skinned knee; the intensity still shocks me. I don't think I'll ever get used to the redundancy of the continuous cycle of introductions and goodbyes . I can feel my heart hardening and my perspective closing . Guards are reforming . And I fear that "the one" will be met with this newfound resistance and uncertainty. Because everyone claims they're different but they're just a different kind of the same. My head hurts , my heart does too. The fade back never gets easier.

30 Day Challenge VLog: "They Never Do"

I want to bring some more consistency to my blog and in an effort to do so, I've decided to do a 30 day writing challenge on both of my blogs! For today's post , I'm suppose to write 10 things about myself but instead I'm going to do you all one better and post a video of me performing a poem last night entitled " They Never Do." When I heard about this poetry event, Voices In Power, I knew that I wanted to write something new and personal. Something that spoke to where I am right now in my life and "They Never Do" is a perfect representation of that. I was a bit reluctant to post this video because with the poem being newly written I did mess up a little bit , but I chalked it up to being human and have decided to post it any way. I pray you all receive it that way my heart gave it.


Have to give a huge shout out to my friend , the beautiful and talented Ms. Ari Leticia, who helped to make this piece one of my favorites :)


-Taj

Note To Self:Entry 2

So you were wrong about that guy, and the guy before that and the guy before that. You are always wrong. Never enough. Always too much. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, its . . . too much. It always starts out great ; good conversation and seemingly pure intentions. But at some point the façade always fades and the truth makes a liar out of you. Some stick it out longer than others , giving you the hope that maybe just maybe, but then time makes a liar out of you. And its always the same, never a good bye , just a fade back to reality. To the reality that time, loyalty and love mean nothing if sex doesn't come with it. Your company , your presence are not adequate enough to hold a man's attention. That is frustrating, that is heartbreaking that is . . . too much.
But, you're not "holding out" to prove a point or to exert some kind of power over men , you're waiting because sex means more to you than temporary relationships and everlasting soul ties. You're waiting because sex is just as sacred to you as marriage and you would like to experience the two together. You're waiting because you want to stand before your husband on your wedding day knowing that he and only he will have a part of you that no man has ever or will ever have. That he will know depths of you that no man has ever known. That your mind, heart & body is entrusted in the hands of a man who stood before God and declared that he promised to protect it. And maybe to some people you're thinking is outdated or religious or downright illogical; maybe they're right. But faith is defined as : "... the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". You believe in a God that you can't see so why is it so wrong to believe in a love you've never felt, from a man you've never met. Crazier things have happened. I know you're frustrated. I know you're heartbroken. And I know at times it can be . . . too much . But your prayer has been heard and your wait is not for naught. The same faith that has gotten you this far , will guide you down the isle. You've waited. Now wait just a while longer.


-Taj

" Waiting & Dating"- Are all guys the same?

I'm always disappointed when another guy is scared off by my vow to wait for marriage to have sex. And each time my esteem takes a blow. I know I shouldn't take it personally , that everyone is entitled to their own preference, but I can't help but feel like I'm not enough. It's like, they don't even stick around to get to know me better. That tells me that all they've ever wanted was sex and because I couldn't give them that , I'm a waste of their time. And that hurts. It's a pain that can't be numbed. I try really hard not to let it bother me , but it does. Honestly , it's really discouraging to think that I'm not worth getting to know because I prefer to keep my legs closed. There's so much more to me , I promise. And I'm waiting for the day when someone will take the time to find that out. But I fear , that no one ever will. And I don't know what's worst the waiting or the fear that I'm waiting in vain.

"Waiting & Dating"- Introductions

Starting this blog I kind of jumped right into it , no introductions or anything . Allow me to apologize for that . I have another blog and I sometimes forget that they aren't synonymous and that you all don't know me as well as though who follow my Just Talk, Ill Listen blog on Wordpress. My name is Nataja , I'm 22 and I am abstaining until marriage. And yes, I am still a virgin. This is important to these series of posts I will be writing under the name "Waiting & Dating" , in which this is the first one. I want to take you guys on the ride as I experience dating ,and all the things that come with it ,for the first time as a woman who plans to save sex for her wedding night. I have never been on an official date and I've never had a boyfriend so everything is pretty new to me. I have a feeling I won't be writing too soon about any dates seeing as though guys can never seem to get pass the fact that I won't sleep with them. Pray for me. I need it haha.

A Sisters Love

It is almost impossible for me to watch shows like Tia & Tamera , Braxton Family Values or any kind of show that has a concept of sisterhood in it without crying. They are just constant reminders of everything I want and don't have in my life . Even now as I type this post I hold back tears.  In my life I've been many things but being called sister was always one of the titles I cherished most. It's just something about the bond between sisters that I absolutely love. They are forever friends, or atleast they should be. And I don't have that . . . anymore. 

But guessed who watched an episode of BFV anyway ? Of course, that would be me ! I guess I'm a sucker for pain . Well in this particular episode Tamar was upset about her sisters not attending her show in Las Vegas when they themselves were in the area. She felt like they weren't being supportive and I had to agree with her. She also made the comment that "It's one thing when people can't be there , but when it's a choice cuz they don't wanna be , like, that's so heartbreaking and then that becomes overwhelming" and right then and there came the tears. Because in that one sentence she summed up my relationship with my sisters. I went from worshipping the ground one of them walked on and being connected at the hip with the other to nothing at all , and by their choice. And that hurts like hell. I have really close friends and bestfriends who I love more than life and who I cherish greatly but they'll never replace my sisters. Not that I would ever try to . That's a void that will have to remain open, ; a love I've always wanted but will never know , that of your sister.

Walking out of my life was their choice , not letting them back in is mine . Two wrongs don't make a right , but I'm the girl who leaves before she's left , remember? You won't leave me twice.