Soul Vibes: Volume I (Poetry Album)

Okay so I'm back. I'm sorry that I leave you all for so long , but I never leave you with nothing. As much as I love blogging , it's not the only thing that I love to do and at times I tend to stretch myself thin, but that's how I work best.; strangely enough. But I'll always come back to you. Promise.

So if you follow me on any of my social media handles then you know that I have been WERKING. I am pretty much operating in all of creative compacties and I am LOVING it. One of my newest works is my poetry album, "Soul Vibes: Volume I" which is a compliation of poetry about love , life and crazy enough, sex. It is like nothing you have ever heard from me and I think that's what makes it special. I kind of go there and push the limits of creative license because some of the material is totally not from my own personal experience , but I needed to try something new and my imagination is bananas. I really hope you all can vibe to it, pun intended. So here's the link for my first poetry album ever and I pray you all love it as much as I do!

Disclaimer: "Come" & "Tonight" are the reason the album has the Parental Advisory Label so proceed with caution. That aside, they are my favorites on the album haha.

-Taj<3

www.soundcloud.com/natajazanelle

"Waiting & Dating"x YouTube

Hey ya'll !

Did ya miss me? I'm sure by now you are use to my inconsistency , but  I promise I am trying!
Part of my absence is due to me finally starting my YouTube channel!!! And I have you all and this blog to thank for that. I've always wanted to share my journey, like I do here, and what better place to do it than on YouTube. I feel it its where I am supposed to be. It will be a vlog series called "Single In The City" chronicling my experiences dating and finding love as a 21st century virgin who plans to abstain until marriage. But don't worry, I will still be updating both my blogs with content :) I just wanted to keep you all up to speed, hence this short but simple post. I sure hope you all decide to tune into my vlog channel. I have another blog post just chilling in my drafts and as soon as I find the right words to finish it I will get that to you all. In the meantime and in between time, check me out here :)

-Taj

Late Night Honesty: Draft Two

There's this guy I met a few weeks back that made me this proposition , one I immediately declined, but one I am now reconsidering . He was everything I knew I didn't need and it made me want him even more . The temptation , the wanting it's all very new to me . Operating in the flesh is so very new to me . I'm so use to having this super disciplined guard that I was able to put up without effort and now I feel like it's giving in. I know that waiting is what I want to do , what I need to do , but I can't help but to wonder . Curiosity is going to be the death of me .

He wants to just "play around."

It sounds ludicrous , ridiculous & absurd and yet exactly what my body has been wanting . I fight the urge to text him and tell him to come get me . Take me somewhere I've never been , do something I've never done. I can be the girl who just has fun , right? It's just fun .. What's the harm ? I know the dangers , the consequences and for once I don't give a damn. It could be the 1:40am that's getting to me . It could be the 24 years of waiting . I just want to feel something. Just once. I want to be held so tight it takes away the pain , be kissed so deep I forget my name . I don't want love . I want to be numb .

-Taj 

Confession Time: Wanna Make God Laugh?

You wanna hear something funny ?

Last year around this , a few months before my 23rd birthday , I decided that I wouldn't wait any longer than 23. I got to the point where I was tired of being the only one "not doing" and I basically gave God my deadline requirement! In retrospect , I realize how much of a slap in the face that was and also how downright ridiculous I sounded . As if giving God an ultimatum would some how make him move faster. Funny, right ? I was lost and feeling like I could do better than God could and really just testing my faith and his grace. When I said it I knew I could never really go through with anything , face it , I've waited this long . But some part of me wanted to believe I could and that's the part that messed me up . I was that ready to give up on God , someone who has never failed me all in the name of being like "everyone else." That was nothing but flesh talking and I am happy to say that I am nearing my 24th birthday and I more willing to wait than I have ever been. I know God got me.

Much Needed Reminder

Lately I've been struggling with my decision to wait and like always God comes through and sends a reminder of why I feel the way I do . Things like this keep me going when I don't quite feel like it. So thank God for TimeHop. 

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

The Grass Isn't Always Greener (Believe me I checked)

 When it comes to sex I've always had a "So what's the big rush?" state of mind. I could never come to terms with why it was just this big "thing." Especially if you arent having it , seeing as though you get a lot of flack if you aren't . Sex is suppose to enhance a marriage , and in that context I can completely understand the need/want, but I'm not married (yet).  So maybe about a week back I took a survey on both my Instagram and Facebook account to get a better feel for whether or not I am really missing out on something . The general consensus is a huge resounding NO. Let me be the first to say I knew that already, but I thought I'd give it the benefit of the doubt . One of my many concerns with pre-martial sex is giving a piece of myself to someone who could very well leave soon after or worse I'll later regret even being with them. That's not to say that you can't do it the right way(for intents and purposes) and not have your regrets, but I feel like for me , knowing I did it the way I felt was best will trump any of those feelings. Okay so on to the results, the survey was answered by 12 people ( all women in their early to late 20's ) and the question was pretty straightforward : 

"How many people are still with the person they lost their virginity to ? If not, did it end on good terms & would you ever sleep with them again ?"

Of those 11 only 3 people are still with the person they lost their virginity to ( one waited until married which gives me hope) . And of the remaining 8 only one person stated that the relationship ended on good terms and that she would be willing to sleep with them again. The other 7 were very adamant about not wanting to go back to that relationship let alone sleeping with them again. And that's what stood out to me the most . While I'm glad that the 3 couples exist who are still together , I'm not naive enough to overlook the other 8. The last thing I want is to wait so long to share this gift with someone to somewhere along the lines regret it. Again , nothing's guaranteed , but the chances that a man will go through the entire process of marrying someone just for sex is a bit ludicrous . However, crazier things have happened though haha. All in all I sought out to see if the grass was greener on the other side , and I'm here to tell you , it's not ( in most cases). I don't knock anyone who chooses to have sex before marriage , that's not my place, all I can ask in return is for my decision to be respected . Because honestly , according to the facts , it ain't all it's cracked up to be ( the process not the actual action , I'm sure that's fairly lovely) 

Well , that's my take . 

" Waiting & Dating"- Are all guys the same?

I'm always disappointed when another guy is scared off by my vow to wait for marriage to have sex. And each time my esteem takes a blow. I know I shouldn't take it personally , that everyone is entitled to their own preference, but I can't help but feel like I'm not enough. It's like, they don't even stick around to get to know me better. That tells me that all they've ever wanted was sex and because I couldn't give them that , I'm a waste of their time. And that hurts. It's a pain that can't be numbed. I try really hard not to let it bother me , but it does. Honestly , it's really discouraging to think that I'm not worth getting to know because I prefer to keep my legs closed. There's so much more to me , I promise. And I'm waiting for the day when someone will take the time to find that out. But I fear , that no one ever will. And I don't know what's worst the waiting or the fear that I'm waiting in vain.

"Waiting & Dating"- Introductions

Starting this blog I kind of jumped right into it , no introductions or anything . Allow me to apologize for that . I have another blog and I sometimes forget that they aren't synonymous and that you all don't know me as well as though who follow my Just Talk, Ill Listen blog on Wordpress. My name is Nataja , I'm 22 and I am abstaining until marriage. And yes, I am still a virgin. This is important to these series of posts I will be writing under the name "Waiting & Dating" , in which this is the first one. I want to take you guys on the ride as I experience dating ,and all the things that come with it ,for the first time as a woman who plans to save sex for her wedding night. I have never been on an official date and I've never had a boyfriend so everything is pretty new to me. I have a feeling I won't be writing too soon about any dates seeing as though guys can never seem to get pass the fact that I won't sleep with them. Pray for me. I need it haha.