Late Night Honesty: Draft Four

I am unable to let people go.

You can hurt me and I'll still find a reason to keep you around. I'll make excuses for you and lie to myself just to justify my inability to cut ties. I say I am the girl who leaves before she's left, but really that isn't true. No matter how much I might want it to be because apart of me will still hold on to them. I give of myself , I give freely and without hesitation never stopping to think whether they deserve me. Whether they will stick around long enough to care. (They never do.) I'm just fed up with being the girl who gets the "I'm sorrys", but never the "I'll change." The girl who puts in the effort , but gets nothing in return. The girl who lets things slide for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm tired of the constant disappointment. Tired of the utter disregard for my feelings.

I am unable to let people go.

Even when I know that I should; it hurts like hell.

-Taj

Late Night Honesty: Draft Three

I can always feel the fade to back coming . The fade back to reality . Conversations get shorter. Questions stop being asked . The spark dies , if there ever really was one to begin with. I don't know that there was. Maybe I wanted it to be. But wanting something doesn't make it real . And wishing for something doesn't mean it will come. It's like I can feel the exact moment where they lose interest; each time always different than the last. But it always stings. Like a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol on a freshly skinned knee; the intensity still shocks me. I don't think I'll ever get used to the redundancy of the continuous cycle of introductions and goodbyes . I can feel my heart hardening and my perspective closing . Guards are reforming . And I fear that "the one" will be met with this newfound resistance and uncertainty. Because everyone claims they're different but they're just a different kind of the same. My head hurts , my heart does too. The fade back never gets easier.

Late Night Honesty: Draft Two

There's this guy I met a few weeks back that made me this proposition , one I immediately declined, but one I am now reconsidering . He was everything I knew I didn't need and it made me want him even more . The temptation , the wanting it's all very new to me . Operating in the flesh is so very new to me . I'm so use to having this super disciplined guard that I was able to put up without effort and now I feel like it's giving in. I know that waiting is what I want to do , what I need to do , but I can't help but to wonder . Curiosity is going to be the death of me .

He wants to just "play around."

It sounds ludicrous , ridiculous & absurd and yet exactly what my body has been wanting . I fight the urge to text him and tell him to come get me . Take me somewhere I've never been , do something I've never done. I can be the girl who just has fun , right? It's just fun .. What's the harm ? I know the dangers , the consequences and for once I don't give a damn. It could be the 1:40am that's getting to me . It could be the 24 years of waiting . I just want to feel something. Just once. I want to be held so tight it takes away the pain , be kissed so deep I forget my name . I don't want love . I want to be numb .

-Taj 

Late Night Honesty : Draft One

If I'm being honest ...

Most days I feel like I'm going to die a virgin. And I feel horrible because that means that I don't trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. That he will bring the man that he has destined for me . 

If I'm being honest ... 

I don't see a world where I'm not a mother and a wife. I can't see it . I don't want to. More than anything , more than having fame and recognition , more than the world knowing my name all I really want is to come home to kids who scream "mommy" at the top of their lungs all day and a husband who doesn't know how to put down the toilet seat, but knows exactly what to do to make it up to me. I want a family. And I don't want to live in a  world where that doesn't exist. 

If I'm being honest ...

I'm crying as I type this , because I'm scared out of my mind that it won't happen. Scared that I'm not enough. That I'm too much. That this is all it will ever be. 

Please God, don't let this be all it will ever be. 

-Taj