The Ones Who Stay

We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
To be enough
But it never is
We seek closure behind closed doors
and closed off hearts
We adore you when you ignore us
We always love more , give more
than we get
And oh how quickly
and easily you forget
We stay and we rationalize
We breathe pain and exhale cries
We eat your broken promises for breakfast
Taste your infidelity for dinner
And still can stomach fixing your plate
Yeah the sorrys they come
But they're always too late
They always feel empty
This house feels cold
We laugh like it's funny
But the jokes getting old
The days are getting long
And love is starting to feel
a hell of lot like playing the fool
Because , I mean, if you really love him
Won't you ?
Don't we ?
We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
But what happens when we have nothing left to give,
nothing left to say ?
Do you really wanna know
what it feels like to lose
The Ones Who Stay?

-Nataja Zanelle

Poem of the week: " The Fix"

He was a collector of broken things

So there was no surprise when he chose me

In my reflection he saw a glimpse of himself

Thinking he might heal if he fixed me

I was blinded by love, but that's not why he picked me

He was trying to soothe his ego

Breaking my heart to make him whole

He was selfish , but I stayed

But that wasn't without consequence

My heart paid the price for being complacent

in a situation that was unhealthy

I'm sure he thought he loved me

But really , he loved that I was more broken

Heart still open

A reminder that there is always someone worst off

You can't fix you by breaking me

Or at least, that's what I thought.

-Taj

Poem of the Week : "Fall In"

I look for you in crowds
even when I know you're no where around
Your face has been ingrained in each and every single day dream
Since the day that I met you
I just can't seem to shake you
It's frustrating
This building unwarranted anticipation
Just to knowingly climax into disappointment
It's like I have a standing appointment with rejection
 I try to convince my reflection
That you're not out of my league
But the friend-zone was built on the backs of girls like me
Who am I fooling?
Sitting here thinking bout you
What am I doing?
Other than losing my sanity
Over a man who didn't choose me
Yet here I am searching for your face
everywhere that I go
My mind pleading, " Taj, let him go"
But my heart always wins
Why does this keep happening
I thought only fools fall in ?
-Taj

Confession Time: Weak Hearts

I only cry at night . Once I remove the mask of the day ; it's hard to pretend. I guess when you're always the strong one , no one bothers asking if you're okay. I'm so tired of being so easy to walk away from . So easy to be unattached , uninvolved and uninterested to and in. My guards don't work and my heart stays open no matter how broken it becomes. I use to be stronger than this , getting over people never took as long as this . I try holding on to this idea that maybe , some day , I'll know the kind of love that people sing about . I've since stopped holding my breath . I keep thinking that there's something left , a glimmer of hope. But no . Where do weakened hearts go? To break . Here's mine , go ahead , take it. I don't need it .

Exciting News!: "Love Letters"

So do you all remember the guy from my "30 Day Challenge: I know, I know" blog post. The guy that I didn't want to mention for fear that I would somehow jinx it. Well , maybe I was right. I hate when I'm right.
I won't get into the when, why & how , yet. See every man that has ever came in my life has resulted in the release of some kind of creative venture for me . I don't know why, but pain and passion is synonymous for me; I create best when I'm hurt. And this time is no different.

I give you the birth of my first book ,  "Love Letters I Would Have Sent" (If I thought you would read them.)

This book is an ode to all the men I thought I loved before and a look at how each of the lessons I have learned from them has made me who I am. I am excited but also nervous to be so open and honest about the hurt and the healing that has taken place. But I am confident that my pain will be someone else's breakthrough. I write to inspire and encourage you to love like you've never been hurt because each new person is a new beginning. I don't want to give away too much and I won't be doing too much marketing for this book either because it's not about the money. I just want to tell my story , at least the part of it that has already been written. I pray that you support this new chapter, no pun intended , of my life as I embark on a journey of learning to love, again. Be sure to check out my official website for any updates regarding the book and other events I will be apart of ! As of right now the set release date is 7/25/2016 , which is also my birthday <3 I can't wait for you to read this book!

P.S A special thank you to my most recent "Almost Doesn't Count," you inadvertently , made this book possible. And I'll always love you for that.

-Taj<3

The Boy With The Two Left Feet

Picture this:

A young couple ( early 20's at the most ) . Middle of the dance floor . Bachata , Salsa & Merengue music blasting through the speaker. The girlfriend is Hispanic and well versed on the dance moves and rhythm; her boyfriend not so much .


On the surface you ask yourself , why should I care? He can't dance , so what ?
But me being me , I looked a little deeper. Wanna know what I saw?

A young man who despite his inability to follow the movements and rhythm stayed on the dance floor  because he knew his girlfriend enjoyed dancing with him . I saw a young man who pushed to the side his pride and allowed himself to be taught over and over again . Even when various older family members cut in ( the mom , the aunt) to show him the ropes he graciously accepted their lessons. Most people after a couple tries , at anything, quit and throw in the proverbial towel but he kept at it . He didn't get embarrassed or frustratied , in fact he laughed through his mistakes . And even when the song changed and after a while they were the only two on the dance floor , he stayed . The boy with the two left feet kept dancing , just to see the smile on his girlfriends face . And that made me smile . Sometimes in a relationship you have to do what the other wants and it won't always be something you like or know how to do ; that's just the truth of it . But  If everyone approaches that fact with the same happiness that this man did , I think we'll be okay .

Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should , maybe I'm wrong . But in that moment I saw a boy who loved his girl and thought it not robbery to dance his way into her heart regardless that he couldn't dance to save his life.

The boy with two left feet was in love and even as his steps were miscalculated their hearts moved in sync ; love in its purest form.

I pray they dance their way into forever <3

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: Day 28 & 29

Almost there guys!

Day 28: Do you wish for anything on 11:11 ? If so, what do you wish for ?

I actually don't, not really sure why not. Not too pressed to start either though. But if I did , I would wish to know a never ending love both romantic and maternal that would inspire my friends to want to know the same. I feel like out of all my friends I am the only surviving hopeless romantic; I guess hope comes easy when you always see a silver lining. I want my friends to believe that true love exists and not just in fairy tales and movie scripts. I want to be the reason my friends aren't afraid to fall, to love, again. I wouldn't mind being a lighthouse for my friends; a beacon of light that guides them back. Love is real. I'll never stop believing that.

Day 29: A picture of yourself

No particular reason why I chose this photo. Hey, it was on my flash drive and I love my hair , I need some blue back in my life.

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: Playing Catch Up

I am the queen of posting as a draft instead of actually publishing it ! So sorry, but I am going to get this through this challenge!

Day 25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality .

Hands down, plain with an amazing personality . Honestly they could never be plain if I like their personality . As shallow as I can be at times , beauty isn't more important to me than someone who has a way about themselves . If you know me , you know that me and plain do not mix. At all.

Day 26: What are some things that make you warm and fuzzy? 

Unexpected gifts, long paragraphs written with love , hand written notes, people noticing the simple things, thinking about my future family , romantic movies , people who make me laugh , bonding with my mommy, being complimented , being shown attention , having reasons to smile. Love. 

Day 27: A picture of your handwriting .

Just a simple reminder to myself . 

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: Day 24

Day 24: Seven things you think about a lot

1.God , my faith in him , learning to trust him 

2. My future husband 

3. My future daughters 

4. Sex 

5. Whether I'll be alone and die a virgin

6. How I can make my passion a paycheck 

7. Moving to LA 

30 Day Challenge: Day 23

Day 23: A letter to someone, anyone

Dear Peyton, 

If you are reading this than God has answered a prayer I've prayed for practically all of my life . I've never wanted something so bad , than to be a mother and a wife . And the fact that God allowed you to be my daughter must mean both of those things are true. And I am forever indebted to Him. Your smile my priority , your heart mines to protect. The love I have for you can not be put into words . I could live a thousands years and never get enough of the love you show to me. I love you unconditionally. Mommy will never stop loving you and showing you just how beautiful you are . My first born, my prayer answered , you keep me believing in happy ever afters . And I won't stop until you get yours. Mommy loves you . 

Infinity x 2 ❤️ 

-Mommy 

Late Night Honesty: Draft Two

There's this guy I met a few weeks back that made me this proposition , one I immediately declined, but one I am now reconsidering . He was everything I knew I didn't need and it made me want him even more . The temptation , the wanting it's all very new to me . Operating in the flesh is so very new to me . I'm so use to having this super disciplined guard that I was able to put up without effort and now I feel like it's giving in. I know that waiting is what I want to do , what I need to do , but I can't help but to wonder . Curiosity is going to be the death of me .

He wants to just "play around."

It sounds ludicrous , ridiculous & absurd and yet exactly what my body has been wanting . I fight the urge to text him and tell him to come get me . Take me somewhere I've never been , do something I've never done. I can be the girl who just has fun , right? It's just fun .. What's the harm ? I know the dangers , the consequences and for once I don't give a damn. It could be the 1:40am that's getting to me . It could be the 24 years of waiting . I just want to feel something. Just once. I want to be held so tight it takes away the pain , be kissed so deep I forget my name . I don't want love . I want to be numb .

-Taj 

#QuotesFromFlo

"I always fall for the nice guy , who was just being nice" - A woman who still doesn't know the difference 

Note To Self:Entry 2

So you were wrong about that guy, and the guy before that and the guy before that. You are always wrong. Never enough. Always too much. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, its . . . too much. It always starts out great ; good conversation and seemingly pure intentions. But at some point the façade always fades and the truth makes a liar out of you. Some stick it out longer than others , giving you the hope that maybe just maybe, but then time makes a liar out of you. And its always the same, never a good bye , just a fade back to reality. To the reality that time, loyalty and love mean nothing if sex doesn't come with it. Your company , your presence are not adequate enough to hold a man's attention. That is frustrating, that is heartbreaking that is . . . too much.
But, you're not "holding out" to prove a point or to exert some kind of power over men , you're waiting because sex means more to you than temporary relationships and everlasting soul ties. You're waiting because sex is just as sacred to you as marriage and you would like to experience the two together. You're waiting because you want to stand before your husband on your wedding day knowing that he and only he will have a part of you that no man has ever or will ever have. That he will know depths of you that no man has ever known. That your mind, heart & body is entrusted in the hands of a man who stood before God and declared that he promised to protect it. And maybe to some people you're thinking is outdated or religious or downright illogical; maybe they're right. But faith is defined as : "... the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". You believe in a God that you can't see so why is it so wrong to believe in a love you've never felt, from a man you've never met. Crazier things have happened. I know you're frustrated. I know you're heartbroken. And I know at times it can be . . . too much . But your prayer has been heard and your wait is not for naught. The same faith that has gotten you this far , will guide you down the isle. You've waited. Now wait just a while longer.


-Taj

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : Hard To Get

I honestly don't mean to play hard to get, its just in my nature. Really it's more of a defense
mechanism because I always start off with the mentality that I am hard to want. I tend to question the
intentions of any man that comes on to me. I don't know , I guess I have a complex.  I definitely have a complex. So I'm sure that I have ran away my fair share of men. I think we as women are taught to play games because we don't want to seem "too available" or "pressed," but who does that benefit? How does pretending you don't like someone, make them like you? I've always been the kind of girl, complex aside, that if I liked you , you'd know. I don't want to text back late just to make it seem like I'm busy because lets be honest, I was waiting all day for you to hit me up. But, I find myself doing that lately . I've become "that girl." I can't wrap my head around why a guy would be interested in me so I play him off. I act uninterested. I decline his request to see me or me him. It was dark outside , he was drinking , maybe he didn't really get a good look at me. What if we meet up and he doesn't like what he sees? Where does that leave me ? So as much as I want to see him, I won't. Because he might likes me , but I don't . How can I give him a chance when I haven't even given myself one? Any takers?

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

"Waiting & Dating": I Am Ready

One of my best-friends told me today "I think you need to go to church to find your husband." We weren't talking about relationships or anything , but I think she could feel that some of my frustration was from my lack of excitement in the area of romance. Well I wouldn't say lack as much as non-existence . And honestly it was some of the best unsolicited advice I have ever been given. I told her she was right and that we should go together. I've been saying recently that I would really like to get back into going to church regularly . But what I omitted was that I'm afraid . Afraid to go back , because I'm not the girl I use to be . In some ways I am thankful for that , but mostly I've changed for the not so good . I'm not who I use to be and while I know The Lord will love me anyway it's not so much him ,  but the people who knew me for what I was and what they'll think when they see me now. I could go on and on about how peoples opinion don't matter and they shouldn't but for me they do . I am embarrassed . And all I can think is that , what Godly man would look at me? I guess it's easier to look in the world because that's what I see when I look in the mirror. But that's not what I want. That's not who I want to be . So as scared as I am , as embarrassed as I am , I'm coming home. Because that's where I belong . Husband , your wife will be ready .. when you are.

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .