The Ones Who Stay

We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
To be enough
But it never is
We seek closure behind closed doors
and closed off hearts
We adore you when you ignore us
We always love more , give more
than we get
And oh how quickly
and easily you forget
We stay and we rationalize
We breathe pain and exhale cries
We eat your broken promises for breakfast
Taste your infidelity for dinner
And still can stomach fixing your plate
Yeah the sorrys they come
But they're always too late
They always feel empty
This house feels cold
We laugh like it's funny
But the jokes getting old
The days are getting long
And love is starting to feel
a hell of lot like playing the fool
Because , I mean, if you really love him
Won't you ?
Don't we ?
We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
But what happens when we have nothing left to give,
nothing left to say ?
Do you really wanna know
what it feels like to lose
The Ones Who Stay?

-Nataja Zanelle

Today.

I feel like a fool. Oh how befitting.

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

A Sisters Love

It is almost impossible for me to watch shows like Tia & Tamera , Braxton Family Values or any kind of show that has a concept of sisterhood in it without crying. They are just constant reminders of everything I want and don't have in my life . Even now as I type this post I hold back tears.  In my life I've been many things but being called sister was always one of the titles I cherished most. It's just something about the bond between sisters that I absolutely love. They are forever friends, or atleast they should be. And I don't have that . . . anymore. 

But guessed who watched an episode of BFV anyway ? Of course, that would be me ! I guess I'm a sucker for pain . Well in this particular episode Tamar was upset about her sisters not attending her show in Las Vegas when they themselves were in the area. She felt like they weren't being supportive and I had to agree with her. She also made the comment that "It's one thing when people can't be there , but when it's a choice cuz they don't wanna be , like, that's so heartbreaking and then that becomes overwhelming" and right then and there came the tears. Because in that one sentence she summed up my relationship with my sisters. I went from worshipping the ground one of them walked on and being connected at the hip with the other to nothing at all , and by their choice. And that hurts like hell. I have really close friends and bestfriends who I love more than life and who I cherish greatly but they'll never replace my sisters. Not that I would ever try to . That's a void that will have to remain open, ; a love I've always wanted but will never know , that of your sister.

Walking out of my life was their choice , not letting them back in is mine . Two wrongs don't make a right , but I'm the girl who leaves before she's left , remember? You won't leave me twice.