The Ones Who Stay

We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
To be enough
But it never is
We seek closure behind closed doors
and closed off hearts
We adore you when you ignore us
We always love more , give more
than we get
And oh how quickly
and easily you forget
We stay and we rationalize
We breathe pain and exhale cries
We eat your broken promises for breakfast
Taste your infidelity for dinner
And still can stomach fixing your plate
Yeah the sorrys they come
But they're always too late
They always feel empty
This house feels cold
We laugh like it's funny
But the jokes getting old
The days are getting long
And love is starting to feel
a hell of lot like playing the fool
Because , I mean, if you really love him
Won't you ?
Don't we ?
We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
But what happens when we have nothing left to give,
nothing left to say ?
Do you really wanna know
what it feels like to lose
The Ones Who Stay?

-Nataja Zanelle

Poem of the Week : "Fall In"

I look for you in crowds
even when I know you're no where around
Your face has been ingrained in each and every single day dream
Since the day that I met you
I just can't seem to shake you
It's frustrating
This building unwarranted anticipation
Just to knowingly climax into disappointment
It's like I have a standing appointment with rejection
 I try to convince my reflection
That you're not out of my league
But the friend-zone was built on the backs of girls like me
Who am I fooling?
Sitting here thinking bout you
What am I doing?
Other than losing my sanity
Over a man who didn't choose me
Yet here I am searching for your face
everywhere that I go
My mind pleading, " Taj, let him go"
But my heart always wins
Why does this keep happening
I thought only fools fall in ?
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating:" With A Side of More Waiting!

New city. New job. New attitude. Same relationship status. *cue the violins*

Seriously , is some good ole fashioned male company too much to ask for ? Is that really wishful thinking?
I feel like the older I get the more I feel like I am missing out on something, but am I really? I , only but recently, jumped into the dating scene and already I've grown tired of the games. It would be so refreshing to meet a man who is who he says he is and keeps his word; that is a foreign concept in 2016. Don't get me wrong, 24 years of being single has been nice and has given me plenty of time to work on me with much improvement still needed, but it's no longer what I want to be. I didn't move to LA for love, but I'd at least like to find someone I "like." Someone to explore this new city with; get acclimated to being around and enjoying someone else's company. I am doing my best to open up more , be more social and it's had a positive affect , in every area of my life besides my love life. Go figure. As traditional at heart as I am, I have even branched out on to dating sites , against my better judgement. Close, but no cigar there. I like to think that I give a completely new meaning to the term " hopeless romantic." But I am yet holding on to the idea that one day I will finally be the exception and no longer the rule ( shout out to all my fellow "He's Just NOT that Into You" fans.) I try not to push the issue and I am sure my friends are tired of hearing seeing me sulk about being lonely and alone, but enough is enough. Right now I am going full force with this self-branding and promoting and it is paying off, my only wish is that I had some to share this success with. One date . That's all I am asking for. I am simply throwing it out into the universe and hoping someone hears me. Romance is not dead, we have just simply, exhausted the possibilities. (That's for all my "Love Jones" fans.) And I , Nataja Zanelle , queen of habitual singleness, would love to change that.

-Taj

Exciting News!: "Love Letters"

So do you all remember the guy from my "30 Day Challenge: I know, I know" blog post. The guy that I didn't want to mention for fear that I would somehow jinx it. Well , maybe I was right. I hate when I'm right.
I won't get into the when, why & how , yet. See every man that has ever came in my life has resulted in the release of some kind of creative venture for me . I don't know why, but pain and passion is synonymous for me; I create best when I'm hurt. And this time is no different.

I give you the birth of my first book ,  "Love Letters I Would Have Sent" (If I thought you would read them.)

This book is an ode to all the men I thought I loved before and a look at how each of the lessons I have learned from them has made me who I am. I am excited but also nervous to be so open and honest about the hurt and the healing that has taken place. But I am confident that my pain will be someone else's breakthrough. I write to inspire and encourage you to love like you've never been hurt because each new person is a new beginning. I don't want to give away too much and I won't be doing too much marketing for this book either because it's not about the money. I just want to tell my story , at least the part of it that has already been written. I pray that you support this new chapter, no pun intended , of my life as I embark on a journey of learning to love, again. Be sure to check out my official website for any updates regarding the book and other events I will be apart of ! As of right now the set release date is 7/25/2016 , which is also my birthday <3 I can't wait for you to read this book!

P.S A special thank you to my most recent "Almost Doesn't Count," you inadvertently , made this book possible. And I'll always love you for that.

-Taj<3

"Waiting & Dating": First Date at 24!

Let's call him Him .

I went on my first date EVER on a cold Tuesday afternoon in December . I opted not to wear a coat. Smart girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I saved the date in my notes. It was December 3rd. I kept it simple and opted for a red ,black and white cardigan I recently brought ( and LOVE) and some black linen pants . I had read somewhere that guys find the color red to be most attractive compared to other colors so I think that played a factor in what I wore. I decided on no makeup ; I prefer my face that way . I was hella nervous , like it was ridiculous and in retrospect there really wasn't any need to be . He took me to an Italian restaurant I've never been to and I ordered what I always do. Honestly my nerves kind of stunted my appetite so I didn't eat much . Besides the company was more important to me. We talk and ate , he paid . Then to spend a little more time together we just rode around . I still remembered feeling safe . And comfortable. I  can't say that for any other guy I've ever been around . I mean I let him pick me up from my dads , so there was a level of trust to start and he didn't make me regret it . He's also big on hugs and I hate them , but his can be an exception. His are an exception . This actually wasn't my first time meeting him , we met up on Thanksgiving and saw Creed ( Michael Bae Jordan is EVERYTHING) , but I don't consider that a date. I knew I liked him that night . I knew I was screwed . I knew nothing good could come from me catching feelings, but did that stop me ? Of course not . We've met up a few times after that and I how I felt , how I feel , hasn't changed . But I'm moving . And once again I'm back where I was at the start . Questioning when ? And somedays if . I'm so bad at reading people and he's no help . I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to get attached , I'll soon be 2,000 some miles away. Is it crazy of me to have hoped for something more ? Hoped that he would take the chance at trying to build something despite the distance . I guess us hopeless romantics have a different way of thinking . Either way , I am blessed to have met him & to have spent the little bit of time I did get. He will always be a good memory❤️

30 Day Challenge: Day 13

I'm horribly tired and just got in like 20 mins ago. I hosted my bestfriends baby shower and I'm just now getting home after going out to dinner with friends. My eyelids are so heavy I'm squinching to see the screen but I'm determined to get my blogpost in for today ,albeit late. 

Day 13: Three confessions of your choice 

1. I have an irrational fear that I am infertile

2. Within a few moments (maybe I'm exaggerating ) of meeting a guy I like I've already envisioned our future kids and baby names . I do not have the ability to simply live in the moment. And I hate it .

3. I've lost my faith in God. Not all of it , but enough to scare me.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating: When Will It End? "

Am I the only one fed up with inane banter and pointless conversations?

Repetitious introductions and reliving past love complications 

All in the name of getting to know someone 

Who may or may not be the one you spend the rest of your life with? 

I mean, am I the only one, tired of falling for bullshit? 

Tired of falling .

Just tired. 

Confession Time: Wanna Make God Laugh?

You wanna hear something funny ?

Last year around this , a few months before my 23rd birthday , I decided that I wouldn't wait any longer than 23. I got to the point where I was tired of being the only one "not doing" and I basically gave God my deadline requirement! In retrospect , I realize how much of a slap in the face that was and also how downright ridiculous I sounded . As if giving God an ultimatum would some how make him move faster. Funny, right ? I was lost and feeling like I could do better than God could and really just testing my faith and his grace. When I said it I knew I could never really go through with anything , face it , I've waited this long . But some part of me wanted to believe I could and that's the part that messed me up . I was that ready to give up on God , someone who has never failed me all in the name of being like "everyone else." That was nothing but flesh talking and I am happy to say that I am nearing my 24th birthday and I more willing to wait than I have ever been. I know God got me.

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

Lovers Anonymous: Third Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

So there's this guy and you know what, he's pretty awesome. For his privacy , and because I tend to run guys off a lot, I'll keep his name confidential. We've been texting pretty frequently these days and I have to admit that talking to him is the better part of most of my days. Surprisingly our conversation has been so mature and open , its like we talk about everything. Life, love, goals , dreams ; everything in between. It's so refreshing to be able to maintain such friendly conversation with the opposite sex without fear of it turning sexual and becoming awkward. He hasn't once made a sexual comment or joke and I haven't told him this, but he's the first and I am so thankful for that. All the guys that I have talked to in the past always find a way to include sex in the conversation and truthfully its a huge turn off for me. It's like you hardly know me , but you want to sex me, miss me with that. Like at least get to know me a little before trying to take the grand tour of my body. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Back to this guy. He's awesome; he's attractive and goal-oriented and he's a family guy. Sad thing is I'm secretly waiting for him to say the wrong thing , to mess up and make me cut him off. I'm afraid that he's not who he says he , but even more afraid that maybe he is. The one thing that I love about him is that when I told him that I'm waiting until marriage he didn't freak out like most guys and just stop texting me. He was so cool about it and further more it ,in no way , affected our conversations; they got better. But things always go bad at some point. I'm just praying that this time will be different. I actually haven't heard from him in a day or so and I'm already getting nervous. I know, Im a nut case. But I fall easily and I get use to having someone to talk to and when it's gone , I notice. I'm just scared that I get on his nerves or that he'll grow bored with me , because I can only give him good talks and good vibes. Sometimes it makes me sad, thinking that I'm not enough, because where did I learn that? When was I taught that sex is the only way to get and keep a guy? Maybe, he'll be the one to break me out of that cycle, by staying. Who knows whats in the cards for me, but if its him, I won't be mad at them. If you're reading this, I think I sorta kinda , definitely totally like you. A lot. So ask me out already! Sheesh.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.