"Waiting & Dating"x YouTube

Hey ya'll !

Did ya miss me? I'm sure by now you are use to my inconsistency , but  I promise I am trying!
Part of my absence is due to me finally starting my YouTube channel!!! And I have you all and this blog to thank for that. I've always wanted to share my journey, like I do here, and what better place to do it than on YouTube. I feel it its where I am supposed to be. It will be a vlog series called "Single In The City" chronicling my experiences dating and finding love as a 21st century virgin who plans to abstain until marriage. But don't worry, I will still be updating both my blogs with content :) I just wanted to keep you all up to speed, hence this short but simple post. I sure hope you all decide to tune into my vlog channel. I have another blog post just chilling in my drafts and as soon as I find the right words to finish it I will get that to you all. In the meantime and in between time, check me out here :)

-Taj

30 Day Challenge VLog: "They Never Do"

I want to bring some more consistency to my blog and in an effort to do so, I've decided to do a 30 day writing challenge on both of my blogs! For today's post , I'm suppose to write 10 things about myself but instead I'm going to do you all one better and post a video of me performing a poem last night entitled " They Never Do." When I heard about this poetry event, Voices In Power, I knew that I wanted to write something new and personal. Something that spoke to where I am right now in my life and "They Never Do" is a perfect representation of that. I was a bit reluctant to post this video because with the poem being newly written I did mess up a little bit , but I chalked it up to being human and have decided to post it any way. I pray you all receive it that way my heart gave it.


Have to give a huge shout out to my friend , the beautiful and talented Ms. Ari Leticia, who helped to make this piece one of my favorites :)


-Taj

Late Night Honesty : Draft One

If I'm being honest ...

Most days I feel like I'm going to die a virgin. And I feel horrible because that means that I don't trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. That he will bring the man that he has destined for me . 

If I'm being honest ... 

I don't see a world where I'm not a mother and a wife. I can't see it . I don't want to. More than anything , more than having fame and recognition , more than the world knowing my name all I really want is to come home to kids who scream "mommy" at the top of their lungs all day and a husband who doesn't know how to put down the toilet seat, but knows exactly what to do to make it up to me. I want a family. And I don't want to live in a  world where that doesn't exist. 

If I'm being honest ...

I'm crying as I type this , because I'm scared out of my mind that it won't happen. Scared that I'm not enough. That I'm too much. That this is all it will ever be. 

Please God, don't let this be all it will ever be. 

-Taj

Confession Time: Wanna Make God Laugh?

You wanna hear something funny ?

Last year around this , a few months before my 23rd birthday , I decided that I wouldn't wait any longer than 23. I got to the point where I was tired of being the only one "not doing" and I basically gave God my deadline requirement! In retrospect , I realize how much of a slap in the face that was and also how downright ridiculous I sounded . As if giving God an ultimatum would some how make him move faster. Funny, right ? I was lost and feeling like I could do better than God could and really just testing my faith and his grace. When I said it I knew I could never really go through with anything , face it , I've waited this long . But some part of me wanted to believe I could and that's the part that messed me up . I was that ready to give up on God , someone who has never failed me all in the name of being like "everyone else." That was nothing but flesh talking and I am happy to say that I am nearing my 24th birthday and I more willing to wait than I have ever been. I know God got me.

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.