Confession Time: Weak Hearts

I only cry at night . Once I remove the mask of the day ; it's hard to pretend. I guess when you're always the strong one , no one bothers asking if you're okay. I'm so tired of being so easy to walk away from . So easy to be unattached , uninvolved and uninterested to and in. My guards don't work and my heart stays open no matter how broken it becomes. I use to be stronger than this , getting over people never took as long as this . I try holding on to this idea that maybe , some day , I'll know the kind of love that people sing about . I've since stopped holding my breath . I keep thinking that there's something left , a glimmer of hope. But no . Where do weakened hearts go? To break . Here's mine , go ahead , take it. I don't need it .

Today.

I feel like a fool. Oh how befitting.

Confession Time: Maybe I Should Call

"I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm

          Maybe I should call 

          Maybe I should call

I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm
But I never call
Maybe that's my flaw"
-K Michelle (w/ a bit of a change)

But honestly even if  I called , what would I say ? I have no clue , so I assume .  I can't make you feel what you don't . And the only person who ends up hurt , is me. And I've been broken long enough to know that it's not worth it . Feeling like you deserve someone is a hurting I wouldn't wish on even an enemy. I'm so tired of being the one to fall . Tired of being the one who gets caught up. I'm still learning the difference betweem a nice guy and guy who's just being nice. Forgive me . A few moments to you can last a lifetime in this twisted mind of mine. I am a tragic masochist ; I'll always want what I can't have . Call it human nature . I'm sorry . One day I'll learn.

-Taj

Confession Time: Physical Touch

I've long convinced myself that being different is okay . And maybe that's why I have allowed myself to overlook an issue that I think could be rather detrimental going forward for me.

I hate physical touch.

No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl.  My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.

When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?

Am I Broken?

I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.

Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.

So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think  I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .

1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1.  "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.

I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.

My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

30 Day Challenge: Day 24

Day 24: Seven things you think about a lot

1.God , my faith in him , learning to trust him 

2. My future husband 

3. My future daughters 

4. Sex 

5. Whether I'll be alone and die a virgin

6. How I can make my passion a paycheck 

7. Moving to LA 

Confession Time: Wanna Make God Laugh?

You wanna hear something funny ?

Last year around this , a few months before my 23rd birthday , I decided that I wouldn't wait any longer than 23. I got to the point where I was tired of being the only one "not doing" and I basically gave God my deadline requirement! In retrospect , I realize how much of a slap in the face that was and also how downright ridiculous I sounded . As if giving God an ultimatum would some how make him move faster. Funny, right ? I was lost and feeling like I could do better than God could and really just testing my faith and his grace. When I said it I knew I could never really go through with anything , face it , I've waited this long . But some part of me wanted to believe I could and that's the part that messed me up . I was that ready to give up on God , someone who has never failed me all in the name of being like "everyone else." That was nothing but flesh talking and I am happy to say that I am nearing my 24th birthday and I more willing to wait than I have ever been. I know God got me.

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

A Sisters Love

It is almost impossible for me to watch shows like Tia & Tamera , Braxton Family Values or any kind of show that has a concept of sisterhood in it without crying. They are just constant reminders of everything I want and don't have in my life . Even now as I type this post I hold back tears.  In my life I've been many things but being called sister was always one of the titles I cherished most. It's just something about the bond between sisters that I absolutely love. They are forever friends, or atleast they should be. And I don't have that . . . anymore. 

But guessed who watched an episode of BFV anyway ? Of course, that would be me ! I guess I'm a sucker for pain . Well in this particular episode Tamar was upset about her sisters not attending her show in Las Vegas when they themselves were in the area. She felt like they weren't being supportive and I had to agree with her. She also made the comment that "It's one thing when people can't be there , but when it's a choice cuz they don't wanna be , like, that's so heartbreaking and then that becomes overwhelming" and right then and there came the tears. Because in that one sentence she summed up my relationship with my sisters. I went from worshipping the ground one of them walked on and being connected at the hip with the other to nothing at all , and by their choice. And that hurts like hell. I have really close friends and bestfriends who I love more than life and who I cherish greatly but they'll never replace my sisters. Not that I would ever try to . That's a void that will have to remain open, ; a love I've always wanted but will never know , that of your sister.

Walking out of my life was their choice , not letting them back in is mine . Two wrongs don't make a right , but I'm the girl who leaves before she's left , remember? You won't leave me twice. 

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting (cont.)

Q. So what did you do ? Did you stop talking to him? 

Of course I didn't . No , that would've been too much like right . It's sad , I've always been a bit maschositic when it comes to love . I knew that it would not end well, either he'd never call again or all together forget about me , but I couldn't stop myself from falling deeper into his voice. I should have walked away , went back to my car but something was grativating me toward him ; I couldn't , no , didn't want to move. So we talked and talked and I smiled more than I had in a long time and while most would see that as a good thing , I knew better. I've always been a magnet for T.I.M' s. Temporarily Interested Men. You know the guys that only talk to you when they are bored or until you are no longer the flava of the week/month. They never really ask you anything about yourself because they don't plan to stay around long enough to care. The only time they attempt to contact you is when they want company ( the sexual kind ) and it's always through text. And although it was too early to tell if he fit the description I didn't really trust that I could attract a guy who was genuinely interested in getting to know me ;I always air on the side of caution . And yet I still stayed. At one point he went to hug me and you all know how I feel about those , but for some reason my body welcomed his embrace . And he smelled . . . He smelled like HEAVEN. I swear I could smell him well after I had left the bar. Within a matter of maybe five minutes he had aced my superficial checklist .

1. Great teeth / Pretty Smile

2. Bedroom eyes ( Think Omar Epps in Love & Basketball)

3. Has to smell good

So let me correct myself , I wasn't screwed , I was done.  But , guess who gave out their number anyway ? Yupp , this girl right here . Didn't think twice either ; I am the queen of declining exchanging contact information . There was , still is , just something about him. 

Q. So are you still talking ? Make any progress?

Long story short , #ThisCouldBeUsButHePlaying