Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous: Third Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

So there's this guy and you know what, he's pretty awesome. For his privacy , and because I tend to run guys off a lot, I'll keep his name confidential. We've been texting pretty frequently these days and I have to admit that talking to him is the better part of most of my days. Surprisingly our conversation has been so mature and open , its like we talk about everything. Life, love, goals , dreams ; everything in between. It's so refreshing to be able to maintain such friendly conversation with the opposite sex without fear of it turning sexual and becoming awkward. He hasn't once made a sexual comment or joke and I haven't told him this, but he's the first and I am so thankful for that. All the guys that I have talked to in the past always find a way to include sex in the conversation and truthfully its a huge turn off for me. It's like you hardly know me , but you want to sex me, miss me with that. Like at least get to know me a little before trying to take the grand tour of my body. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Back to this guy. He's awesome; he's attractive and goal-oriented and he's a family guy. Sad thing is I'm secretly waiting for him to say the wrong thing , to mess up and make me cut him off. I'm afraid that he's not who he says he , but even more afraid that maybe he is. The one thing that I love about him is that when I told him that I'm waiting until marriage he didn't freak out like most guys and just stop texting me. He was so cool about it and further more it ,in no way , affected our conversations; they got better. But things always go bad at some point. I'm just praying that this time will be different. I actually haven't heard from him in a day or so and I'm already getting nervous. I know, Im a nut case. But I fall easily and I get use to having someone to talk to and when it's gone , I notice. I'm just scared that I get on his nerves or that he'll grow bored with me , because I can only give him good talks and good vibes. Sometimes it makes me sad, thinking that I'm not enough, because where did I learn that? When was I taught that sex is the only way to get and keep a guy? Maybe, he'll be the one to break me out of that cycle, by staying. Who knows whats in the cards for me, but if its him, I won't be mad at them. If you're reading this, I think I sorta kinda , definitely totally like you. A lot. So ask me out already! Sheesh.

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting (cont.)

Q. So what did you do ? Did you stop talking to him? 

Of course I didn't . No , that would've been too much like right . It's sad , I've always been a bit maschositic when it comes to love . I knew that it would not end well, either he'd never call again or all together forget about me , but I couldn't stop myself from falling deeper into his voice. I should have walked away , went back to my car but something was grativating me toward him ; I couldn't , no , didn't want to move. So we talked and talked and I smiled more than I had in a long time and while most would see that as a good thing , I knew better. I've always been a magnet for T.I.M' s. Temporarily Interested Men. You know the guys that only talk to you when they are bored or until you are no longer the flava of the week/month. They never really ask you anything about yourself because they don't plan to stay around long enough to care. The only time they attempt to contact you is when they want company ( the sexual kind ) and it's always through text. And although it was too early to tell if he fit the description I didn't really trust that I could attract a guy who was genuinely interested in getting to know me ;I always air on the side of caution . And yet I still stayed. At one point he went to hug me and you all know how I feel about those , but for some reason my body welcomed his embrace . And he smelled . . . He smelled like HEAVEN. I swear I could smell him well after I had left the bar. Within a matter of maybe five minutes he had aced my superficial checklist .

1. Great teeth / Pretty Smile

2. Bedroom eyes ( Think Omar Epps in Love & Basketball)

3. Has to smell good

So let me correct myself , I wasn't screwed , I was done.  But , guess who gave out their number anyway ? Yupp , this girl right here . Didn't think twice either ; I am the queen of declining exchanging contact information . There was , still is , just something about him. 

Q. So are you still talking ? Make any progress?

Long story short , #ThisCouldBeUsButHePlaying 

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting

Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic. 

My first relapse was a few months back. There was this guy that I met while out with some friends at a local bar. I know what you guys are thinking ," a bar?", but I think we can all agree that this is quite unusual for me. I normally don't pick guys up when I'm out partying. You see, I'm the quiet reserved girl standing at the edge of the bar with a Long Island in one hand and my cellphone in the other paying no one any attention; my face is borderline indifferent with a twinge of "I wish you would." Simply put, I'm not normally the first one to get approached when we are out. The sad part is my facial displacement does my personality no justice because honestly once you get the past the external layer I'm a pretty cool person , or at least I would like to think so. Okay so back to the guy. He was different , in a good way. Not someone I would normally go after , but after careful observation definitely an altered version of my "type". The first thing I noticed about him , or any guy for that matter , was his smile . I can still picture it even now as I tell you guys this story. That sealed the deal for me ; I am a sucker for a guy with a beautiful smile. And the moment he opened his mouth to speak , I was hooked. I mean he didn't say anything too deep or extremely interesting but his presence was enough to captivate me . Not to mention he had the deepest set eyes I've seen since Omar Epps in Love & Basketball. I lie to you not , I could not look away. And in that moment I knew, I was royally screwed.