The Ones Who Stay

We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
To be enough
But it never is
We seek closure behind closed doors
and closed off hearts
We adore you when you ignore us
We always love more , give more
than we get
And oh how quickly
and easily you forget
We stay and we rationalize
We breathe pain and exhale cries
We eat your broken promises for breakfast
Taste your infidelity for dinner
And still can stomach fixing your plate
Yeah the sorrys they come
But they're always too late
They always feel empty
This house feels cold
We laugh like it's funny
But the jokes getting old
The days are getting long
And love is starting to feel
a hell of lot like playing the fool
Because , I mean, if you really love him
Won't you ?
Don't we ?
We break and we bend
We stretch our skin to be more
But what happens when we have nothing left to give,
nothing left to say ?
Do you really wanna know
what it feels like to lose
The Ones Who Stay?

-Nataja Zanelle

Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

A Sisters Love

It is almost impossible for me to watch shows like Tia & Tamera , Braxton Family Values or any kind of show that has a concept of sisterhood in it without crying. They are just constant reminders of everything I want and don't have in my life . Even now as I type this post I hold back tears.  In my life I've been many things but being called sister was always one of the titles I cherished most. It's just something about the bond between sisters that I absolutely love. They are forever friends, or atleast they should be. And I don't have that . . . anymore. 

But guessed who watched an episode of BFV anyway ? Of course, that would be me ! I guess I'm a sucker for pain . Well in this particular episode Tamar was upset about her sisters not attending her show in Las Vegas when they themselves were in the area. She felt like they weren't being supportive and I had to agree with her. She also made the comment that "It's one thing when people can't be there , but when it's a choice cuz they don't wanna be , like, that's so heartbreaking and then that becomes overwhelming" and right then and there came the tears. Because in that one sentence she summed up my relationship with my sisters. I went from worshipping the ground one of them walked on and being connected at the hip with the other to nothing at all , and by their choice. And that hurts like hell. I have really close friends and bestfriends who I love more than life and who I cherish greatly but they'll never replace my sisters. Not that I would ever try to . That's a void that will have to remain open, ; a love I've always wanted but will never know , that of your sister.

Walking out of my life was their choice , not letting them back in is mine . Two wrongs don't make a right , but I'm the girl who leaves before she's left , remember? You won't leave me twice.