"Waiting & Dating": Fireworks

All I see is fireworks, all I see is fireworks
Every night its fireworks every night its fireworks
All I see is fireworks all I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks takin' off like oh-ah-oh-oh 

-Drake "Fireworks"

He kissed me . And it was everything I thought it would be. I've been kissed before , but never so deeply. The other guy didn't mean it. I was nervous , I probably sucked at it, but my heart still hasn't stopped skipping a beat. The sky lit up, literally, and nothing else mattered. In his arms, the warmth of his body against mine; at peace. God. If I could bottle the moment the room spun and my breathing became erratic, maybe then you'd understand. I lived in the moment and that's something I've never been able to do. He did that for me. The girl who never felt safe in her own skin, embraced someone else's . 24 years. I waited. And as your lips touched mine I understood why. Whether forever or just that day, you were mine. They say you aren't suppose to kiss and tell, but you are secret I could never keep. If you're reading this, you got me.

-Taj

 

30 Day Challenge: I know, I know

So nine days into December I am confronted with the realization that I never finished my last post for the challenge last month. Gosh, I really need to get it together haha. Seriously. For the sake of finishing what I started here is the post, I totally understand if you don't care to read it haha, it is very late. Forgive me.


Day 30: Anything you want to post about ( So convenient ! )


So there's this guy . . .


This should probably go under my waiting and dating tags, but I am too afraid to speak too soon. It's taking everything in me not to blog about EVERYTHING. But I am afraid saying too much might somehow mess it up. I know that's a bit superstitious and normally that's not something I would allow to stop me ,but its the first time I've felt this way and I just can't risk it. I don't know guys, I'm scared. It's been quite a while since I've liked someone as much as I like this guy and we all know I've never dated before so all this is new to me. My friends are probably sick of hearing me blab on and on , but I've never been one to hold a secret and when I am passionate about something I want everyone to know. I just really don't want him to end up on the list of "Almost Doesn't Count's ." At this point that would really hurt me. But we will see. I'll try typing something up soon and hopefully I'll have the nerve to hit "Publish." We will see.


-Taj

30 Day Challenge VLog: "They Never Do"

I want to bring some more consistency to my blog and in an effort to do so, I've decided to do a 30 day writing challenge on both of my blogs! For today's post , I'm suppose to write 10 things about myself but instead I'm going to do you all one better and post a video of me performing a poem last night entitled " They Never Do." When I heard about this poetry event, Voices In Power, I knew that I wanted to write something new and personal. Something that spoke to where I am right now in my life and "They Never Do" is a perfect representation of that. I was a bit reluctant to post this video because with the poem being newly written I did mess up a little bit , but I chalked it up to being human and have decided to post it any way. I pray you all receive it that way my heart gave it.


Have to give a huge shout out to my friend , the beautiful and talented Ms. Ari Leticia, who helped to make this piece one of my favorites :)


-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?

Note to Self: Entry 1

Can you just be done with chasing guys who aren't interested or invested in you? Like seriously ! You really don't have to. Your beautiful, smart caring and one of the baddest poets I know. Any guy would be lucky to have you ; no I'm not just saying that because I love you . You and I both know it's true. Don't settle for empty conversation and meaningless banter all for the sake of having someone to talk to . If he's not interested MOVE ON. No harm done , no love lost just keep it pushing. All the time you're wasting trying to get these guys to notice you could be spent on someone who already does. Don't sell your self short because you are too afraid to realize your value. The man that God has for you will be after your heart not what's below it. You just keep waiting because truth is ,there's no rush , he will come. And when he does, you will know it. You won't have to jump through hoops for his attention or compete with other women to keep it . He will see you , for you. The urgency to see you and be with you will be genuine and not saturated in ill intentions. Just remember , time is something you can never get back it can't be replaced  ,so please, stop wasting it on men who never deserved it in the first place. 

-Taj