Late Night Honesty: Draft Four

I am unable to let people go.

You can hurt me and I'll still find a reason to keep you around. I'll make excuses for you and lie to myself just to justify my inability to cut ties. I say I am the girl who leaves before she's left, but really that isn't true. No matter how much I might want it to be because apart of me will still hold on to them. I give of myself , I give freely and without hesitation never stopping to think whether they deserve me. Whether they will stick around long enough to care. (They never do.) I'm just fed up with being the girl who gets the "I'm sorrys", but never the "I'll change." The girl who puts in the effort , but gets nothing in return. The girl who lets things slide for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm tired of the constant disappointment. Tired of the utter disregard for my feelings.

I am unable to let people go.

Even when I know that I should; it hurts like hell.

-Taj

Note To Self:Entry 2

So you were wrong about that guy, and the guy before that and the guy before that. You are always wrong. Never enough. Always too much. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, its . . . too much. It always starts out great ; good conversation and seemingly pure intentions. But at some point the façade always fades and the truth makes a liar out of you. Some stick it out longer than others , giving you the hope that maybe just maybe, but then time makes a liar out of you. And its always the same, never a good bye , just a fade back to reality. To the reality that time, loyalty and love mean nothing if sex doesn't come with it. Your company , your presence are not adequate enough to hold a man's attention. That is frustrating, that is heartbreaking that is . . . too much.
But, you're not "holding out" to prove a point or to exert some kind of power over men , you're waiting because sex means more to you than temporary relationships and everlasting soul ties. You're waiting because sex is just as sacred to you as marriage and you would like to experience the two together. You're waiting because you want to stand before your husband on your wedding day knowing that he and only he will have a part of you that no man has ever or will ever have. That he will know depths of you that no man has ever known. That your mind, heart & body is entrusted in the hands of a man who stood before God and declared that he promised to protect it. And maybe to some people you're thinking is outdated or religious or downright illogical; maybe they're right. But faith is defined as : "... the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". You believe in a God that you can't see so why is it so wrong to believe in a love you've never felt, from a man you've never met. Crazier things have happened. I know you're frustrated. I know you're heartbroken. And I know at times it can be . . . too much . But your prayer has been heard and your wait is not for naught. The same faith that has gotten you this far , will guide you down the isle. You've waited. Now wait just a while longer.


-Taj

Note to Self: Entry 1

Can you just be done with chasing guys who aren't interested or invested in you? Like seriously ! You really don't have to. Your beautiful, smart caring and one of the baddest poets I know. Any guy would be lucky to have you ; no I'm not just saying that because I love you . You and I both know it's true. Don't settle for empty conversation and meaningless banter all for the sake of having someone to talk to . If he's not interested MOVE ON. No harm done , no love lost just keep it pushing. All the time you're wasting trying to get these guys to notice you could be spent on someone who already does. Don't sell your self short because you are too afraid to realize your value. The man that God has for you will be after your heart not what's below it. You just keep waiting because truth is ,there's no rush , he will come. And when he does, you will know it. You won't have to jump through hoops for his attention or compete with other women to keep it . He will see you , for you. The urgency to see you and be with you will be genuine and not saturated in ill intentions. Just remember , time is something you can never get back it can't be replaced  ,so please, stop wasting it on men who never deserved it in the first place. 

-Taj