Much Needed Reminder

Lately I've been struggling with my decision to wait and like always God comes through and sends a reminder of why I feel the way I do . Things like this keep me going when I don't quite feel like it. So thank God for TimeHop. 

Note To Self:Entry 2

So you were wrong about that guy, and the guy before that and the guy before that. You are always wrong. Never enough. Always too much. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, its . . . too much. It always starts out great ; good conversation and seemingly pure intentions. But at some point the façade always fades and the truth makes a liar out of you. Some stick it out longer than others , giving you the hope that maybe just maybe, but then time makes a liar out of you. And its always the same, never a good bye , just a fade back to reality. To the reality that time, loyalty and love mean nothing if sex doesn't come with it. Your company , your presence are not adequate enough to hold a man's attention. That is frustrating, that is heartbreaking that is . . . too much.
But, you're not "holding out" to prove a point or to exert some kind of power over men , you're waiting because sex means more to you than temporary relationships and everlasting soul ties. You're waiting because sex is just as sacred to you as marriage and you would like to experience the two together. You're waiting because you want to stand before your husband on your wedding day knowing that he and only he will have a part of you that no man has ever or will ever have. That he will know depths of you that no man has ever known. That your mind, heart & body is entrusted in the hands of a man who stood before God and declared that he promised to protect it. And maybe to some people you're thinking is outdated or religious or downright illogical; maybe they're right. But faith is defined as : "... the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". You believe in a God that you can't see so why is it so wrong to believe in a love you've never felt, from a man you've never met. Crazier things have happened. I know you're frustrated. I know you're heartbroken. And I know at times it can be . . . too much . But your prayer has been heard and your wait is not for naught. The same faith that has gotten you this far , will guide you down the isle. You've waited. Now wait just a while longer.


-Taj

Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

Lovers Anonymous: Third Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

So there's this guy and you know what, he's pretty awesome. For his privacy , and because I tend to run guys off a lot, I'll keep his name confidential. We've been texting pretty frequently these days and I have to admit that talking to him is the better part of most of my days. Surprisingly our conversation has been so mature and open , its like we talk about everything. Life, love, goals , dreams ; everything in between. It's so refreshing to be able to maintain such friendly conversation with the opposite sex without fear of it turning sexual and becoming awkward. He hasn't once made a sexual comment or joke and I haven't told him this, but he's the first and I am so thankful for that. All the guys that I have talked to in the past always find a way to include sex in the conversation and truthfully its a huge turn off for me. It's like you hardly know me , but you want to sex me, miss me with that. Like at least get to know me a little before trying to take the grand tour of my body. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Back to this guy. He's awesome; he's attractive and goal-oriented and he's a family guy. Sad thing is I'm secretly waiting for him to say the wrong thing , to mess up and make me cut him off. I'm afraid that he's not who he says he , but even more afraid that maybe he is. The one thing that I love about him is that when I told him that I'm waiting until marriage he didn't freak out like most guys and just stop texting me. He was so cool about it and further more it ,in no way , affected our conversations; they got better. But things always go bad at some point. I'm just praying that this time will be different. I actually haven't heard from him in a day or so and I'm already getting nervous. I know, Im a nut case. But I fall easily and I get use to having someone to talk to and when it's gone , I notice. I'm just scared that I get on his nerves or that he'll grow bored with me , because I can only give him good talks and good vibes. Sometimes it makes me sad, thinking that I'm not enough, because where did I learn that? When was I taught that sex is the only way to get and keep a guy? Maybe, he'll be the one to break me out of that cycle, by staying. Who knows whats in the cards for me, but if its him, I won't be mad at them. If you're reading this, I think I sorta kinda , definitely totally like you. A lot. So ask me out already! Sheesh.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj