Confession Time: Fallin'

I fall way too easily .

That's not me being hard on myself ; it's just the God honest truth . I wish that I had a pause button or a slow down knob , but my heart is always on go . And I can never seem to be able to tell where I stand with guys. I either underplay or over estimate . I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I suck at this dating game. Why so many games ? I just want to fall in love and be loved back . Is that really too much to ask for ? I know all things in due time , but I can't help but to think, will my time ever come ? I'm clearly not the only one trying to be the only one, but it's all I've ever prayed for . I'm believing God for someone ... We all want love. And I'm no exception.

Lovers Anonymous: Third Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

So there's this guy and you know what, he's pretty awesome. For his privacy , and because I tend to run guys off a lot, I'll keep his name confidential. We've been texting pretty frequently these days and I have to admit that talking to him is the better part of most of my days. Surprisingly our conversation has been so mature and open , its like we talk about everything. Life, love, goals , dreams ; everything in between. It's so refreshing to be able to maintain such friendly conversation with the opposite sex without fear of it turning sexual and becoming awkward. He hasn't once made a sexual comment or joke and I haven't told him this, but he's the first and I am so thankful for that. All the guys that I have talked to in the past always find a way to include sex in the conversation and truthfully its a huge turn off for me. It's like you hardly know me , but you want to sex me, miss me with that. Like at least get to know me a little before trying to take the grand tour of my body. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Back to this guy. He's awesome; he's attractive and goal-oriented and he's a family guy. Sad thing is I'm secretly waiting for him to say the wrong thing , to mess up and make me cut him off. I'm afraid that he's not who he says he , but even more afraid that maybe he is. The one thing that I love about him is that when I told him that I'm waiting until marriage he didn't freak out like most guys and just stop texting me. He was so cool about it and further more it ,in no way , affected our conversations; they got better. But things always go bad at some point. I'm just praying that this time will be different. I actually haven't heard from him in a day or so and I'm already getting nervous. I know, Im a nut case. But I fall easily and I get use to having someone to talk to and when it's gone , I notice. I'm just scared that I get on his nerves or that he'll grow bored with me , because I can only give him good talks and good vibes. Sometimes it makes me sad, thinking that I'm not enough, because where did I learn that? When was I taught that sex is the only way to get and keep a guy? Maybe, he'll be the one to break me out of that cycle, by staying. Who knows whats in the cards for me, but if its him, I won't be mad at them. If you're reading this, I think I sorta kinda , definitely totally like you. A lot. So ask me out already! Sheesh.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay, so this might be sort of weird coming from me, but I just have to get some things off my chest.

Yes, we are going to talk about SEX. No, I have not had it yet. Still a virgin. Bummer.

Now that that's out the way, we can get to the topic at hand.

For what ever reason or another I have been thinking a lot about sex lately. Not really the details of it, more so just the act. It's such a beautiful collision of flesh and soul. ( Leave it to me to make it all sappy and sentimental ha!) A question I get a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin is if I ever get curious about what sex would be like and honestly up until maybe a year ago , I was able to reply that I do not. Of course the thought has crossed my mind before, but it was never enough to cause curiosity. But that has certainly changed. I believe that my growing impatience with waiting has also played a factor in this newfound questioning that my mind is going through. It's like the older I get and the more mature I become I realize that my body is changing and wanting and its weird. This might be a bit of a TMI for most people , so sorry, but I am a complete virgin, no toys no fingering no oral , NOTHING. No one has touched me below the waist, not even myself (well atleast not in that way ha!). I'm only mentioning this to show just how behind the curve that I am. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to wait, it's just getting a little harder to deny the urges. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. WEAK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I haven't met a guy to call my boyfriend. Temptation is not something that I need to add to this equation right now. I find that I'm craving male affection more than I once did and I feel like its my body's way of saying "Let's go, clock is ticking." I know what some of you might be thinking, I'm young and have my whole life for that, but thats just not true these days. And heck, how long is a girl suppose to wait? One of my childhood friends asked me a few weeks ago, that if I never got married would I just die a virgin ? While I wanted to say yes,  I can't help but to think that I wouldn't want to. I love waiting for God to bring my mate and knowing that this one will be "The One" so I never really thought much about never meeting him. I mean , all my life thats been the plan, get married and have babies. The good ole "American Dream"! But it never once crossed my mind that it might not turn out that way. Would I really be willing to never experience sex if marriage just wasn't in the cards for me? My answer scares me. Because I feel like , in a way, I'm telling God that I don't trust him. I don't want to doubt that his plan for me includes the desires of my heart. So I can only speak for today. And today, I'll wait.

P.S Dear Future Husband, promise to show me everything I've been missing. Wow me, please.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : The Waiting Game

So there's this guy . . .

Isn't that how all your stories start?

But this one is different . . .

Aren't they all?

Right now I'm torn between maybe he's the one and maybe I just want him to be .

And my mind is telling me to slow down , but my heart keeps on rushing me .

Because I'm tired of waiting , tired of lonely tired of being the only one without "the one"

What's the point of late night talks and early morning hellos if it goes no where?

What's the point of spilling your heart and bearing your soul if no one really cares ?

What ever happen to roses and first dates

Pillow talk and staying up late

Phone calls just to hear their voice on the other line

Please , please tell me I'm not wasting my time .

On you . On this .

Please, please don't ever having me questioning

"What is this?" or "What  are we?"

Promise you'll make it clear before it ever gets that far .

I don't wanna be the only one trying , the only one who's all in , head over feet

And I know it's too early to tell , but I always play for keeps

Because what's the point if there's no end

I want a husband , I have enough "just friends"

I just need to know where I stand , so I know whether it's safe to fall

Give me your word & I'll give you my all.
-Taj

"Waiting & Dating" : Hard To Get

I honestly don't mean to play hard to get, its just in my nature. Really it's more of a defense
mechanism because I always start off with the mentality that I am hard to want. I tend to question the
intentions of any man that comes on to me. I don't know , I guess I have a complex.  I definitely have a complex. So I'm sure that I have ran away my fair share of men. I think we as women are taught to play games because we don't want to seem "too available" or "pressed," but who does that benefit? How does pretending you don't like someone, make them like you? I've always been the kind of girl, complex aside, that if I liked you , you'd know. I don't want to text back late just to make it seem like I'm busy because lets be honest, I was waiting all day for you to hit me up. But, I find myself doing that lately . I've become "that girl." I can't wrap my head around why a guy would be interested in me so I play him off. I act uninterested. I decline his request to see me or me him. It was dark outside , he was drinking , maybe he didn't really get a good look at me. What if we meet up and he doesn't like what he sees? Where does that leave me ? So as much as I want to see him, I won't. Because he might likes me , but I don't . How can I give him a chance when I haven't even given myself one? Any takers?

"Waiting & Dating": Same Game

This blog post doubles as a diary entry that I recorded that I decided deserved to be posted. By now you all know that I am a virgin waiting for marriage. That should come at no surprise because I have made it painstakingly clear * beats dead horse.* But I have never expressed any judgment or contempt toward those who choose to live their lives differently. We all have to answer for our actions and I'm no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, I just can never seem to get the same kind of respect from my peers. I hear all too often , in rebuttal to my vow to wait, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?" , " Would you buy the cow without trying the milk?" I just recently brought a car and my house has no shortage of milk but I'll bite. Of course I wouldn't! I would be quite foolish to do such a thing. But really , in the back of my mind, I can't help but to be offended. Not only did you insult my intelligence by asking such remedial questions , but you managed to degrade my body and my values toward it ,by comparing them to objects to be brought. I am not asking anyone to understand my choices. Heck I do enough of that myself.  But I will ask that you respect them. For some people sex is just sex, nothing more nothing less. And if that's what you believe , than who I am to tell you any differently. But for me , sex is more than just penetration. So I'm waiting. I really wish that guys were taught to value and cherish their bodies instead of passing it off as a "girl thing." And for all the guys who chime " I'll wait, but I'll get it from somewhere else in the mean time"  there is a special place for your kind. Don't appease me by pretending to love me enough to wait, but not really. It's all or nothing with me. I get it , everybody ain't with that. Good thing to, because I'm not for everybody. So just think about that next time you to rationalize my values with your flawed logic. It's called morals. Jerk.

"Waiting & Dating": I Am Ready

One of my best-friends told me today "I think you need to go to church to find your husband." We weren't talking about relationships or anything , but I think she could feel that some of my frustration was from my lack of excitement in the area of romance. Well I wouldn't say lack as much as non-existence . And honestly it was some of the best unsolicited advice I have ever been given. I told her she was right and that we should go together. I've been saying recently that I would really like to get back into going to church regularly . But what I omitted was that I'm afraid . Afraid to go back , because I'm not the girl I use to be . In some ways I am thankful for that , but mostly I've changed for the not so good . I'm not who I use to be and while I know The Lord will love me anyway it's not so much him ,  but the people who knew me for what I was and what they'll think when they see me now. I could go on and on about how peoples opinion don't matter and they shouldn't but for me they do . I am embarrassed . And all I can think is that , what Godly man would look at me? I guess it's easier to look in the world because that's what I see when I look in the mirror. But that's not what I want. That's not who I want to be . So as scared as I am , as embarrassed as I am , I'm coming home. Because that's where I belong . Husband , your wife will be ready .. when you are.

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?

"You're All The Same" Type Men

The fact of the matter is, you will never be privileged to see the inside of my bedroom before I know your intentions. And even then, should I sense even a twinge of ill will , you can pretty much dead that thought altogether. I assure you I am nothing like the women you have dealt with previous to. And for that , I will never apologize. If I am not your "cup of tea" I promise I will take absolutely no offense to you not "drinking me." It takes a certain kind of man to appreciate what I bring to the table and if that's not you, no sweat. We can part ways now with no bad blood between us two, but what I don't want is an impersonator. I despise a pretender.We are grown and you are entitled to live your life according to your own terms , so by all means , do you, just don't trick me into believing you're someone you are not ; into thinking that you want what I want when in actuality you only desire what I can give you. I know you're not accustomed to a woman with standards and while that deeply saddens me I can't help but to wonder whether you are the way you are out of ignorance or cowardliness. But I digress. I am simply writing to express my frustration with "men" of your caliber, for lack of a better term. Men who rummage through life seeking out women for their assets and not their intellect , it's sad. For once I'd love to be complimented on my mental ingenuity, the way I speak in verse so fluently just something worth noticing. Something that says you're observational skills go deeper than my superficial layers. Do that and maybe then I can take you seriously. Because right now I don't. 

The Grass Isn't Always Greener (Believe me I checked)

 When it comes to sex I've always had a "So what's the big rush?" state of mind. I could never come to terms with why it was just this big "thing." Especially if you arent having it , seeing as though you get a lot of flack if you aren't . Sex is suppose to enhance a marriage , and in that context I can completely understand the need/want, but I'm not married (yet).  So maybe about a week back I took a survey on both my Instagram and Facebook account to get a better feel for whether or not I am really missing out on something . The general consensus is a huge resounding NO. Let me be the first to say I knew that already, but I thought I'd give it the benefit of the doubt . One of my many concerns with pre-martial sex is giving a piece of myself to someone who could very well leave soon after or worse I'll later regret even being with them. That's not to say that you can't do it the right way(for intents and purposes) and not have your regrets, but I feel like for me , knowing I did it the way I felt was best will trump any of those feelings. Okay so on to the results, the survey was answered by 12 people ( all women in their early to late 20's ) and the question was pretty straightforward : 

"How many people are still with the person they lost their virginity to ? If not, did it end on good terms & would you ever sleep with them again ?"

Of those 11 only 3 people are still with the person they lost their virginity to ( one waited until married which gives me hope) . And of the remaining 8 only one person stated that the relationship ended on good terms and that she would be willing to sleep with them again. The other 7 were very adamant about not wanting to go back to that relationship let alone sleeping with them again. And that's what stood out to me the most . While I'm glad that the 3 couples exist who are still together , I'm not naive enough to overlook the other 8. The last thing I want is to wait so long to share this gift with someone to somewhere along the lines regret it. Again , nothing's guaranteed , but the chances that a man will go through the entire process of marrying someone just for sex is a bit ludicrous . However, crazier things have happened though haha. All in all I sought out to see if the grass was greener on the other side , and I'm here to tell you , it's not ( in most cases). I don't knock anyone who chooses to have sex before marriage , that's not my place, all I can ask in return is for my decision to be respected . Because honestly , according to the facts , it ain't all it's cracked up to be ( the process not the actual action , I'm sure that's fairly lovely) 

Well , that's my take . 

" Waiting & Dating"- Are all guys the same?

I'm always disappointed when another guy is scared off by my vow to wait for marriage to have sex. And each time my esteem takes a blow. I know I shouldn't take it personally , that everyone is entitled to their own preference, but I can't help but feel like I'm not enough. It's like, they don't even stick around to get to know me better. That tells me that all they've ever wanted was sex and because I couldn't give them that , I'm a waste of their time. And that hurts. It's a pain that can't be numbed. I try really hard not to let it bother me , but it does. Honestly , it's really discouraging to think that I'm not worth getting to know because I prefer to keep my legs closed. There's so much more to me , I promise. And I'm waiting for the day when someone will take the time to find that out. But I fear , that no one ever will. And I don't know what's worst the waiting or the fear that I'm waiting in vain.

"Waiting & Dating"- Introductions

Starting this blog I kind of jumped right into it , no introductions or anything . Allow me to apologize for that . I have another blog and I sometimes forget that they aren't synonymous and that you all don't know me as well as though who follow my Just Talk, Ill Listen blog on Wordpress. My name is Nataja , I'm 22 and I am abstaining until marriage. And yes, I am still a virgin. This is important to these series of posts I will be writing under the name "Waiting & Dating" , in which this is the first one. I want to take you guys on the ride as I experience dating ,and all the things that come with it ,for the first time as a woman who plans to save sex for her wedding night. I have never been on an official date and I've never had a boyfriend so everything is pretty new to me. I have a feeling I won't be writing too soon about any dates seeing as though guys can never seem to get pass the fact that I won't sleep with them. Pray for me. I need it haha.

Note to Self: Entry 1

Can you just be done with chasing guys who aren't interested or invested in you? Like seriously ! You really don't have to. Your beautiful, smart caring and one of the baddest poets I know. Any guy would be lucky to have you ; no I'm not just saying that because I love you . You and I both know it's true. Don't settle for empty conversation and meaningless banter all for the sake of having someone to talk to . If he's not interested MOVE ON. No harm done , no love lost just keep it pushing. All the time you're wasting trying to get these guys to notice you could be spent on someone who already does. Don't sell your self short because you are too afraid to realize your value. The man that God has for you will be after your heart not what's below it. You just keep waiting because truth is ,there's no rush , he will come. And when he does, you will know it. You won't have to jump through hoops for his attention or compete with other women to keep it . He will see you , for you. The urgency to see you and be with you will be genuine and not saturated in ill intentions. Just remember , time is something you can never get back it can't be replaced  ,so please, stop wasting it on men who never deserved it in the first place. 

-Taj

A Sisters Love

It is almost impossible for me to watch shows like Tia & Tamera , Braxton Family Values or any kind of show that has a concept of sisterhood in it without crying. They are just constant reminders of everything I want and don't have in my life . Even now as I type this post I hold back tears.  In my life I've been many things but being called sister was always one of the titles I cherished most. It's just something about the bond between sisters that I absolutely love. They are forever friends, or atleast they should be. And I don't have that . . . anymore. 

But guessed who watched an episode of BFV anyway ? Of course, that would be me ! I guess I'm a sucker for pain . Well in this particular episode Tamar was upset about her sisters not attending her show in Las Vegas when they themselves were in the area. She felt like they weren't being supportive and I had to agree with her. She also made the comment that "It's one thing when people can't be there , but when it's a choice cuz they don't wanna be , like, that's so heartbreaking and then that becomes overwhelming" and right then and there came the tears. Because in that one sentence she summed up my relationship with my sisters. I went from worshipping the ground one of them walked on and being connected at the hip with the other to nothing at all , and by their choice. And that hurts like hell. I have really close friends and bestfriends who I love more than life and who I cherish greatly but they'll never replace my sisters. Not that I would ever try to . That's a void that will have to remain open, ; a love I've always wanted but will never know , that of your sister.

Walking out of my life was their choice , not letting them back in is mine . Two wrongs don't make a right , but I'm the girl who leaves before she's left , remember? You won't leave me twice. 

"Serial Crusher"

Hello my name is Nataja and I am what people would call a serial crusher . For those who aren't familiar with the term I took the liberty of acquiring the definition. 

Serial Crusher

n. 

1. Someone prone to having multiple crushes either all at once or consecutively within a short period of time. Although they fizzle quickly , while in the moment , the "crush" is all that the person thinks of . Often times the ability to differentiate between love and infatuation is lost in this individual .

* Not to be confused with Serial Dater. These crushes are almost always one-sided and headed nowhere quick. 

I noticed quite early on that I displayed the behaviors of a serial crusher but just didn't have the correct term at the time , and now I know . For me it started in the 5th grade mainly because anything farther back than that is very foggy in my mind.

 So let's see . . . 

There was: Ralph Tucker in 5th grade who I thought , at the time, was destined to be my husband , Lewis Toler in sixth grade who I don't ever remember speaking to ( I was extremely shy) but liked all the same, Charles Snow , also throughout sixth grade, we didn't go to school together but we went to the same church ; he had a rough edgy look that you didn't see from most church guys and that's what I liked, Dewayne Walker for the last half of sixth & most of seventh grade, some guy named Reggie in eight grade , sometime during all of this there was also my ex-bestfriend/next door neighbors nephew (he was our age) Laurian Cuffy (May he rest in peace), Marcos Reyes in ninth grade ; math class was finally enjoyable , Lamar Griffis who I happened to go to church with and much later his other brother Keith ( don't judge me they are some fine looking brothers) I was pretty delusional with the older brother thinking I was in love sheesh I probably scared him off and then there was  Lamont Redd , I've loved him since I was 11 and that shit just wouldn't go away. And then I grew up , thank God. I managed to graduate highschool completely crush-free , well, not any new crushes anyway. A few months after I turned 21 I had my first kiss with a jerk named Dino and that is me being nice . That story is another post for another time. Fastforwarding to today there's this guy named Collin .  He actually inspired a blog post or two , see if you can guess which !  Now keep in mind these are just the big crushes and do not include celebrities or minor crushes. I'm not sure if this is normal or if I'm all alone in this "serial crushing" world . What you guys think ? 

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting (cont.)

Q. So what did you do ? Did you stop talking to him? 

Of course I didn't . No , that would've been too much like right . It's sad , I've always been a bit maschositic when it comes to love . I knew that it would not end well, either he'd never call again or all together forget about me , but I couldn't stop myself from falling deeper into his voice. I should have walked away , went back to my car but something was grativating me toward him ; I couldn't , no , didn't want to move. So we talked and talked and I smiled more than I had in a long time and while most would see that as a good thing , I knew better. I've always been a magnet for T.I.M' s. Temporarily Interested Men. You know the guys that only talk to you when they are bored or until you are no longer the flava of the week/month. They never really ask you anything about yourself because they don't plan to stay around long enough to care. The only time they attempt to contact you is when they want company ( the sexual kind ) and it's always through text. And although it was too early to tell if he fit the description I didn't really trust that I could attract a guy who was genuinely interested in getting to know me ;I always air on the side of caution . And yet I still stayed. At one point he went to hug me and you all know how I feel about those , but for some reason my body welcomed his embrace . And he smelled . . . He smelled like HEAVEN. I swear I could smell him well after I had left the bar. Within a matter of maybe five minutes he had aced my superficial checklist .

1. Great teeth / Pretty Smile

2. Bedroom eyes ( Think Omar Epps in Love & Basketball)

3. Has to smell good

So let me correct myself , I wasn't screwed , I was done.  But , guess who gave out their number anyway ? Yupp , this girl right here . Didn't think twice either ; I am the queen of declining exchanging contact information . There was , still is , just something about him. 

Q. So are you still talking ? Make any progress?

Long story short , #ThisCouldBeUsButHePlaying 

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting

Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic. 

My first relapse was a few months back. There was this guy that I met while out with some friends at a local bar. I know what you guys are thinking ," a bar?", but I think we can all agree that this is quite unusual for me. I normally don't pick guys up when I'm out partying. You see, I'm the quiet reserved girl standing at the edge of the bar with a Long Island in one hand and my cellphone in the other paying no one any attention; my face is borderline indifferent with a twinge of "I wish you would." Simply put, I'm not normally the first one to get approached when we are out. The sad part is my facial displacement does my personality no justice because honestly once you get the past the external layer I'm a pretty cool person , or at least I would like to think so. Okay so back to the guy. He was different , in a good way. Not someone I would normally go after , but after careful observation definitely an altered version of my "type". The first thing I noticed about him , or any guy for that matter , was his smile . I can still picture it even now as I tell you guys this story. That sealed the deal for me ; I am a sucker for a guy with a beautiful smile. And the moment he opened his mouth to speak , I was hooked. I mean he didn't say anything too deep or extremely interesting but his presence was enough to captivate me . Not to mention he had the deepest set eyes I've seen since Omar Epps in Love & Basketball. I lie to you not , I could not look away. And in that moment I knew, I was royally screwed. 

Poetic Injustice

Sometimes poetry isn't always pretty. I think people have this misconception about poets, as if every word that flows out our mouths is fully constructed ; every thought worth being written. It's not true. More times than not we are at an absolute lost for words and when we finally find them they are hardly coherent until glossed over. At least this is true with me. For every poem that I am half-way satisfied with there a dozen others crumbled beyond legibility. And even then I am subconsciously editing and re-editing until there is no other combination of stanzas and rhythmic cadences that could work. Sometimes my poems don't always rhyme and then sometimes they rhyme too much. I repeat myself, I over-emphasize. It's a mess and accurately so. Poetry is not without flaws, for me, it is embracing them. Sometimes poetry isn't always pretty, but it sure does sound that way, doesn't it?