" Waiting & Dating"- Are all guys the same?

I'm always disappointed when another guy is scared off by my vow to wait for marriage to have sex. And each time my esteem takes a blow. I know I shouldn't take it personally , that everyone is entitled to their own preference, but I can't help but feel like I'm not enough. It's like, they don't even stick around to get to know me better. That tells me that all they've ever wanted was sex and because I couldn't give them that , I'm a waste of their time. And that hurts. It's a pain that can't be numbed. I try really hard not to let it bother me , but it does. Honestly , it's really discouraging to think that I'm not worth getting to know because I prefer to keep my legs closed. There's so much more to me , I promise. And I'm waiting for the day when someone will take the time to find that out. But I fear , that no one ever will. And I don't know what's worst the waiting or the fear that I'm waiting in vain.

"Waiting & Dating"- Introductions

Starting this blog I kind of jumped right into it , no introductions or anything . Allow me to apologize for that . I have another blog and I sometimes forget that they aren't synonymous and that you all don't know me as well as though who follow my Just Talk, Ill Listen blog on Wordpress. My name is Nataja , I'm 22 and I am abstaining until marriage. And yes, I am still a virgin. This is important to these series of posts I will be writing under the name "Waiting & Dating" , in which this is the first one. I want to take you guys on the ride as I experience dating ,and all the things that come with it ,for the first time as a woman who plans to save sex for her wedding night. I have never been on an official date and I've never had a boyfriend so everything is pretty new to me. I have a feeling I won't be writing too soon about any dates seeing as though guys can never seem to get pass the fact that I won't sleep with them. Pray for me. I need it haha.

Note to Self: Entry 1

Can you just be done with chasing guys who aren't interested or invested in you? Like seriously ! You really don't have to. Your beautiful, smart caring and one of the baddest poets I know. Any guy would be lucky to have you ; no I'm not just saying that because I love you . You and I both know it's true. Don't settle for empty conversation and meaningless banter all for the sake of having someone to talk to . If he's not interested MOVE ON. No harm done , no love lost just keep it pushing. All the time you're wasting trying to get these guys to notice you could be spent on someone who already does. Don't sell your self short because you are too afraid to realize your value. The man that God has for you will be after your heart not what's below it. You just keep waiting because truth is ,there's no rush , he will come. And when he does, you will know it. You won't have to jump through hoops for his attention or compete with other women to keep it . He will see you , for you. The urgency to see you and be with you will be genuine and not saturated in ill intentions. Just remember , time is something you can never get back it can't be replaced  ,so please, stop wasting it on men who never deserved it in the first place. 

-Taj

A Sisters Love

It is almost impossible for me to watch shows like Tia & Tamera , Braxton Family Values or any kind of show that has a concept of sisterhood in it without crying. They are just constant reminders of everything I want and don't have in my life . Even now as I type this post I hold back tears.  In my life I've been many things but being called sister was always one of the titles I cherished most. It's just something about the bond between sisters that I absolutely love. They are forever friends, or atleast they should be. And I don't have that . . . anymore. 

But guessed who watched an episode of BFV anyway ? Of course, that would be me ! I guess I'm a sucker for pain . Well in this particular episode Tamar was upset about her sisters not attending her show in Las Vegas when they themselves were in the area. She felt like they weren't being supportive and I had to agree with her. She also made the comment that "It's one thing when people can't be there , but when it's a choice cuz they don't wanna be , like, that's so heartbreaking and then that becomes overwhelming" and right then and there came the tears. Because in that one sentence she summed up my relationship with my sisters. I went from worshipping the ground one of them walked on and being connected at the hip with the other to nothing at all , and by their choice. And that hurts like hell. I have really close friends and bestfriends who I love more than life and who I cherish greatly but they'll never replace my sisters. Not that I would ever try to . That's a void that will have to remain open, ; a love I've always wanted but will never know , that of your sister.

Walking out of my life was their choice , not letting them back in is mine . Two wrongs don't make a right , but I'm the girl who leaves before she's left , remember? You won't leave me twice. 

"Serial Crusher"

Hello my name is Nataja and I am what people would call a serial crusher . For those who aren't familiar with the term I took the liberty of acquiring the definition. 

Serial Crusher

n. 

1. Someone prone to having multiple crushes either all at once or consecutively within a short period of time. Although they fizzle quickly , while in the moment , the "crush" is all that the person thinks of . Often times the ability to differentiate between love and infatuation is lost in this individual .

* Not to be confused with Serial Dater. These crushes are almost always one-sided and headed nowhere quick. 

I noticed quite early on that I displayed the behaviors of a serial crusher but just didn't have the correct term at the time , and now I know . For me it started in the 5th grade mainly because anything farther back than that is very foggy in my mind.

 So let's see . . . 

There was: Ralph Tucker in 5th grade who I thought , at the time, was destined to be my husband , Lewis Toler in sixth grade who I don't ever remember speaking to ( I was extremely shy) but liked all the same, Charles Snow , also throughout sixth grade, we didn't go to school together but we went to the same church ; he had a rough edgy look that you didn't see from most church guys and that's what I liked, Dewayne Walker for the last half of sixth & most of seventh grade, some guy named Reggie in eight grade , sometime during all of this there was also my ex-bestfriend/next door neighbors nephew (he was our age) Laurian Cuffy (May he rest in peace), Marcos Reyes in ninth grade ; math class was finally enjoyable , Lamar Griffis who I happened to go to church with and much later his other brother Keith ( don't judge me they are some fine looking brothers) I was pretty delusional with the older brother thinking I was in love sheesh I probably scared him off and then there was  Lamont Redd , I've loved him since I was 11 and that shit just wouldn't go away. And then I grew up , thank God. I managed to graduate highschool completely crush-free , well, not any new crushes anyway. A few months after I turned 21 I had my first kiss with a jerk named Dino and that is me being nice . That story is another post for another time. Fastforwarding to today there's this guy named Collin .  He actually inspired a blog post or two , see if you can guess which !  Now keep in mind these are just the big crushes and do not include celebrities or minor crushes. I'm not sure if this is normal or if I'm all alone in this "serial crushing" world . What you guys think ? 

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting (cont.)

Q. So what did you do ? Did you stop talking to him? 

Of course I didn't . No , that would've been too much like right . It's sad , I've always been a bit maschositic when it comes to love . I knew that it would not end well, either he'd never call again or all together forget about me , but I couldn't stop myself from falling deeper into his voice. I should have walked away , went back to my car but something was grativating me toward him ; I couldn't , no , didn't want to move. So we talked and talked and I smiled more than I had in a long time and while most would see that as a good thing , I knew better. I've always been a magnet for T.I.M' s. Temporarily Interested Men. You know the guys that only talk to you when they are bored or until you are no longer the flava of the week/month. They never really ask you anything about yourself because they don't plan to stay around long enough to care. The only time they attempt to contact you is when they want company ( the sexual kind ) and it's always through text. And although it was too early to tell if he fit the description I didn't really trust that I could attract a guy who was genuinely interested in getting to know me ;I always air on the side of caution . And yet I still stayed. At one point he went to hug me and you all know how I feel about those , but for some reason my body welcomed his embrace . And he smelled . . . He smelled like HEAVEN. I swear I could smell him well after I had left the bar. Within a matter of maybe five minutes he had aced my superficial checklist .

1. Great teeth / Pretty Smile

2. Bedroom eyes ( Think Omar Epps in Love & Basketball)

3. Has to smell good

So let me correct myself , I wasn't screwed , I was done.  But , guess who gave out their number anyway ? Yupp , this girl right here . Didn't think twice either ; I am the queen of declining exchanging contact information . There was , still is , just something about him. 

Q. So are you still talking ? Make any progress?

Long story short , #ThisCouldBeUsButHePlaying 

Lovers Anonymous : First Meeting

Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic. 

My first relapse was a few months back. There was this guy that I met while out with some friends at a local bar. I know what you guys are thinking ," a bar?", but I think we can all agree that this is quite unusual for me. I normally don't pick guys up when I'm out partying. You see, I'm the quiet reserved girl standing at the edge of the bar with a Long Island in one hand and my cellphone in the other paying no one any attention; my face is borderline indifferent with a twinge of "I wish you would." Simply put, I'm not normally the first one to get approached when we are out. The sad part is my facial displacement does my personality no justice because honestly once you get the past the external layer I'm a pretty cool person , or at least I would like to think so. Okay so back to the guy. He was different , in a good way. Not someone I would normally go after , but after careful observation definitely an altered version of my "type". The first thing I noticed about him , or any guy for that matter , was his smile . I can still picture it even now as I tell you guys this story. That sealed the deal for me ; I am a sucker for a guy with a beautiful smile. And the moment he opened his mouth to speak , I was hooked. I mean he didn't say anything too deep or extremely interesting but his presence was enough to captivate me . Not to mention he had the deepest set eyes I've seen since Omar Epps in Love & Basketball. I lie to you not , I could not look away. And in that moment I knew, I was royally screwed. 

Poetic Injustice

Sometimes poetry isn't always pretty. I think people have this misconception about poets, as if every word that flows out our mouths is fully constructed ; every thought worth being written. It's not true. More times than not we are at an absolute lost for words and when we finally find them they are hardly coherent until glossed over. At least this is true with me. For every poem that I am half-way satisfied with there a dozen others crumbled beyond legibility. And even then I am subconsciously editing and re-editing until there is no other combination of stanzas and rhythmic cadences that could work. Sometimes my poems don't always rhyme and then sometimes they rhyme too much. I repeat myself, I over-emphasize. It's a mess and accurately so. Poetry is not without flaws, for me, it is embracing them. Sometimes poetry isn't always pretty, but it sure does sound that way, doesn't it?