I am unable to let people go.
You can hurt me and I'll still find a reason to keep you around. I'll make excuses for you and lie to myself just to justify my inability to cut ties. I say I am the girl who leaves before she's left, but really that isn't true. No matter how much I might want it to be because apart of me will still hold on to them. I give of myself , I give freely and without hesitation never stopping to think whether they deserve me. Whether they will stick around long enough to care. (They never do.) I'm just fed up with being the girl who gets the "I'm sorrys", but never the "I'll change." The girl who puts in the effort , but gets nothing in return. The girl who lets things slide for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm tired of the constant disappointment. Tired of the utter disregard for my feelings.
I am unable to let people go.
Even when I know that I should; it hurts like hell.
-Taj
Friday, January 29, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
Confession Time: Physical Touch
I've long convinced myself that being different is okay . And maybe that's why I have allowed myself to overlook an issue that I think could be rather detrimental going forward for me.
I hate physical touch.
No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl. My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.
When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?
Am I Broken?
I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.
Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.
So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .
1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1. "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.
I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.
My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.
-Taj
I hate physical touch.
No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl. My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.
When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?
Am I Broken?
I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.
Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.
So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .
1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1. "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.
I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.
My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.
-Taj
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting
"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"
Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not. I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.
-Taj
Saturday, January 9, 2016
"Waiting & Dating": Fireworks
All I see is fireworks, all I see is fireworks
Every night its fireworks every night its fireworks
All I see is fireworks all I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks takin' off like oh-ah-oh-oh
-Drake "Fireworks"
He kissed me . And it was everything I thought it would be. I've been kissed before , but never so deeply. The other guy didn't mean it. I was nervous , I probably sucked at it, but my heart still hasn't stopped skipping a beat. The sky lit up, literally, and nothing else mattered. In his arms, the warmth of his body against mine; at peace. God. If I could bottle the moment the room spun and my breathing became erratic, maybe then you'd understand. I lived in the moment and that's something I've never been able to do. He did that for me. The girl who never felt safe in her own skin, embraced someone else's . 24 years. I waited. And as your lips touched mine I understood why. Whether forever or just that day, you were mine. They say you aren't suppose to kiss and tell, but you are secret I could never keep. If you're reading this, you got me.
-Taj
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
"Waiting & Dating": First Date at 24!
Let's call him Him .
I went on my first date EVER on a cold Tuesday afternoon in December . I opted not to wear a coat. Smart girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I saved the date in my notes. It was December 3rd. I kept it simple and opted for a red ,black and white cardigan I recently brought ( and LOVE) and some black linen pants . I had read somewhere that guys find the color red to be most attractive compared to other colors so I think that played a factor in what I wore. I decided on no makeup ; I prefer my face that way . I was hella nervous , like it was ridiculous and in retrospect there really wasn't any need to be . He took me to an Italian restaurant I've never been to and I ordered what I always do. Honestly my nerves kind of stunted my appetite so I didn't eat much . Besides the company was more important to me. We talk and ate , he paid . Then to spend a little more time together we just rode around . I still remembered feeling safe . And comfortable. I can't say that for any other guy I've ever been around . I mean I let him pick me up from my dads , so there was a level of trust to start and he didn't make me regret it . He's also big on hugs and I hate them , but his can be an exception. His are an exception . This actually wasn't my first time meeting him , we met up on Thanksgiving and saw Creed ( Michael Bae Jordan is EVERYTHING) , but I don't consider that a date. I knew I liked him that night . I knew I was screwed . I knew nothing good could come from me catching feelings, but did that stop me ? Of course not . We've met up a few times after that and I how I felt , how I feel , hasn't changed . But I'm moving . And once again I'm back where I was at the start . Questioning when ? And somedays if . I'm so bad at reading people and he's no help . I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to get attached , I'll soon be 2,000 some miles away. Is it crazy of me to have hoped for something more ? Hoped that he would take the chance at trying to build something despite the distance . I guess us hopeless romantics have a different way of thinking . Either way , I am blessed to have met him & to have spent the little bit of time I did get. He will always be a good memory❤️
I went on my first date EVER on a cold Tuesday afternoon in December . I opted not to wear a coat. Smart girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I saved the date in my notes. It was December 3rd. I kept it simple and opted for a red ,black and white cardigan I recently brought ( and LOVE) and some black linen pants . I had read somewhere that guys find the color red to be most attractive compared to other colors so I think that played a factor in what I wore. I decided on no makeup ; I prefer my face that way . I was hella nervous , like it was ridiculous and in retrospect there really wasn't any need to be . He took me to an Italian restaurant I've never been to and I ordered what I always do. Honestly my nerves kind of stunted my appetite so I didn't eat much . Besides the company was more important to me. We talk and ate , he paid . Then to spend a little more time together we just rode around . I still remembered feeling safe . And comfortable. I can't say that for any other guy I've ever been around . I mean I let him pick me up from my dads , so there was a level of trust to start and he didn't make me regret it . He's also big on hugs and I hate them , but his can be an exception. His are an exception . This actually wasn't my first time meeting him , we met up on Thanksgiving and saw Creed ( Michael Bae Jordan is EVERYTHING) , but I don't consider that a date. I knew I liked him that night . I knew I was screwed . I knew nothing good could come from me catching feelings, but did that stop me ? Of course not . We've met up a few times after that and I how I felt , how I feel , hasn't changed . But I'm moving . And once again I'm back where I was at the start . Questioning when ? And somedays if . I'm so bad at reading people and he's no help . I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to get attached , I'll soon be 2,000 some miles away. Is it crazy of me to have hoped for something more ? Hoped that he would take the chance at trying to build something despite the distance . I guess us hopeless romantics have a different way of thinking . Either way , I am blessed to have met him & to have spent the little bit of time I did get. He will always be a good memory❤️
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