Poem of the week: " The Fix"

He was a collector of broken things

So there was no surprise when he chose me

In my reflection he saw a glimpse of himself

Thinking he might heal if he fixed me

I was blinded by love, but that's not why he picked me

He was trying to soothe his ego

Breaking my heart to make him whole

He was selfish , but I stayed

But that wasn't without consequence

My heart paid the price for being complacent

in a situation that was unhealthy

I'm sure he thought he loved me

But really , he loved that I was more broken

Heart still open

A reminder that there is always someone worst off

You can't fix you by breaking me

Or at least, that's what I thought.

-Taj

Poem of the Week : "Fall In"

I look for you in crowds
even when I know you're no where around
Your face has been ingrained in each and every single day dream
Since the day that I met you
I just can't seem to shake you
It's frustrating
This building unwarranted anticipation
Just to knowingly climax into disappointment
It's like I have a standing appointment with rejection
 I try to convince my reflection
That you're not out of my league
But the friend-zone was built on the backs of girls like me
Who am I fooling?
Sitting here thinking bout you
What am I doing?
Other than losing my sanity
Over a man who didn't choose me
Yet here I am searching for your face
everywhere that I go
My mind pleading, " Taj, let him go"
But my heart always wins
Why does this keep happening
I thought only fools fall in ?
-Taj

Confession Time: Weak Hearts

I only cry at night . Once I remove the mask of the day ; it's hard to pretend. I guess when you're always the strong one , no one bothers asking if you're okay. I'm so tired of being so easy to walk away from . So easy to be unattached , uninvolved and uninterested to and in. My guards don't work and my heart stays open no matter how broken it becomes. I use to be stronger than this , getting over people never took as long as this . I try holding on to this idea that maybe , some day , I'll know the kind of love that people sing about . I've since stopped holding my breath . I keep thinking that there's something left , a glimmer of hope. But no . Where do weakened hearts go? To break . Here's mine , go ahead , take it. I don't need it .

"Waiting & Dating:" With A Side of More Waiting!

New city. New job. New attitude. Same relationship status. *cue the violins*

Seriously , is some good ole fashioned male company too much to ask for ? Is that really wishful thinking?
I feel like the older I get the more I feel like I am missing out on something, but am I really? I , only but recently, jumped into the dating scene and already I've grown tired of the games. It would be so refreshing to meet a man who is who he says he is and keeps his word; that is a foreign concept in 2016. Don't get me wrong, 24 years of being single has been nice and has given me plenty of time to work on me with much improvement still needed, but it's no longer what I want to be. I didn't move to LA for love, but I'd at least like to find someone I "like." Someone to explore this new city with; get acclimated to being around and enjoying someone else's company. I am doing my best to open up more , be more social and it's had a positive affect , in every area of my life besides my love life. Go figure. As traditional at heart as I am, I have even branched out on to dating sites , against my better judgement. Close, but no cigar there. I like to think that I give a completely new meaning to the term " hopeless romantic." But I am yet holding on to the idea that one day I will finally be the exception and no longer the rule ( shout out to all my fellow "He's Just NOT that Into You" fans.) I try not to push the issue and I am sure my friends are tired of hearing seeing me sulk about being lonely and alone, but enough is enough. Right now I am going full force with this self-branding and promoting and it is paying off, my only wish is that I had some to share this success with. One date . That's all I am asking for. I am simply throwing it out into the universe and hoping someone hears me. Romance is not dead, we have just simply, exhausted the possibilities. (That's for all my "Love Jones" fans.) And I , Nataja Zanelle , queen of habitual singleness, would love to change that.

-Taj

Soul Vibes: Volume I (Poetry Album)

Okay so I'm back. I'm sorry that I leave you all for so long , but I never leave you with nothing. As much as I love blogging , it's not the only thing that I love to do and at times I tend to stretch myself thin, but that's how I work best.; strangely enough. But I'll always come back to you. Promise.

So if you follow me on any of my social media handles then you know that I have been WERKING. I am pretty much operating in all of creative compacties and I am LOVING it. One of my newest works is my poetry album, "Soul Vibes: Volume I" which is a compliation of poetry about love , life and crazy enough, sex. It is like nothing you have ever heard from me and I think that's what makes it special. I kind of go there and push the limits of creative license because some of the material is totally not from my own personal experience , but I needed to try something new and my imagination is bananas. I really hope you all can vibe to it, pun intended. So here's the link for my first poetry album ever and I pray you all love it as much as I do!

Disclaimer: "Come" & "Tonight" are the reason the album has the Parental Advisory Label so proceed with caution. That aside, they are my favorites on the album haha.

-Taj<3

www.soundcloud.com/natajazanelle

Exciting News!: "Love Letters"

So do you all remember the guy from my "30 Day Challenge: I know, I know" blog post. The guy that I didn't want to mention for fear that I would somehow jinx it. Well , maybe I was right. I hate when I'm right.
I won't get into the when, why & how , yet. See every man that has ever came in my life has resulted in the release of some kind of creative venture for me . I don't know why, but pain and passion is synonymous for me; I create best when I'm hurt. And this time is no different.

I give you the birth of my first book ,  "Love Letters I Would Have Sent" (If I thought you would read them.)

This book is an ode to all the men I thought I loved before and a look at how each of the lessons I have learned from them has made me who I am. I am excited but also nervous to be so open and honest about the hurt and the healing that has taken place. But I am confident that my pain will be someone else's breakthrough. I write to inspire and encourage you to love like you've never been hurt because each new person is a new beginning. I don't want to give away too much and I won't be doing too much marketing for this book either because it's not about the money. I just want to tell my story , at least the part of it that has already been written. I pray that you support this new chapter, no pun intended , of my life as I embark on a journey of learning to love, again. Be sure to check out my official website for any updates regarding the book and other events I will be apart of ! As of right now the set release date is 7/25/2016 , which is also my birthday <3 I can't wait for you to read this book!

P.S A special thank you to my most recent "Almost Doesn't Count," you inadvertently , made this book possible. And I'll always love you for that.

-Taj<3

Today.

I feel like a fool. Oh how befitting.

Confession Time: Maybe I Should Call

"I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm

          Maybe I should call 

          Maybe I should call

I like him , I like him , I like him , I like him , I like himmm
But I never call
Maybe that's my flaw"
-K Michelle (w/ a bit of a change)

But honestly even if  I called , what would I say ? I have no clue , so I assume .  I can't make you feel what you don't . And the only person who ends up hurt , is me. And I've been broken long enough to know that it's not worth it . Feeling like you deserve someone is a hurting I wouldn't wish on even an enemy. I'm so tired of being the one to fall . Tired of being the one who gets caught up. I'm still learning the difference betweem a nice guy and guy who's just being nice. Forgive me . A few moments to you can last a lifetime in this twisted mind of mine. I am a tragic masochist ; I'll always want what I can't have . Call it human nature . I'm sorry . One day I'll learn.

-Taj

The Boy With The Two Left Feet

Picture this:

A young couple ( early 20's at the most ) . Middle of the dance floor . Bachata , Salsa & Merengue music blasting through the speaker. The girlfriend is Hispanic and well versed on the dance moves and rhythm; her boyfriend not so much .


On the surface you ask yourself , why should I care? He can't dance , so what ?
But me being me , I looked a little deeper. Wanna know what I saw?

A young man who despite his inability to follow the movements and rhythm stayed on the dance floor  because he knew his girlfriend enjoyed dancing with him . I saw a young man who pushed to the side his pride and allowed himself to be taught over and over again . Even when various older family members cut in ( the mom , the aunt) to show him the ropes he graciously accepted their lessons. Most people after a couple tries , at anything, quit and throw in the proverbial towel but he kept at it . He didn't get embarrassed or frustratied , in fact he laughed through his mistakes . And even when the song changed and after a while they were the only two on the dance floor , he stayed . The boy with the two left feet kept dancing , just to see the smile on his girlfriends face . And that made me smile . Sometimes in a relationship you have to do what the other wants and it won't always be something you like or know how to do ; that's just the truth of it . But  If everyone approaches that fact with the same happiness that this man did , I think we'll be okay .

Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should , maybe I'm wrong . But in that moment I saw a boy who loved his girl and thought it not robbery to dance his way into her heart regardless that he couldn't dance to save his life.

The boy with two left feet was in love and even as his steps were miscalculated their hearts moved in sync ; love in its purest form.

I pray they dance their way into forever <3

-Taj

Late Night Honesty: Draft Four

I am unable to let people go.

You can hurt me and I'll still find a reason to keep you around. I'll make excuses for you and lie to myself just to justify my inability to cut ties. I say I am the girl who leaves before she's left, but really that isn't true. No matter how much I might want it to be because apart of me will still hold on to them. I give of myself , I give freely and without hesitation never stopping to think whether they deserve me. Whether they will stick around long enough to care. (They never do.) I'm just fed up with being the girl who gets the "I'm sorrys", but never the "I'll change." The girl who puts in the effort , but gets nothing in return. The girl who lets things slide for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm tired of the constant disappointment. Tired of the utter disregard for my feelings.

I am unable to let people go.

Even when I know that I should; it hurts like hell.

-Taj

Confession Time: Physical Touch

I've long convinced myself that being different is okay . And maybe that's why I have allowed myself to overlook an issue that I think could be rather detrimental going forward for me.

I hate physical touch.

No matter how small or innocent, the touch of someones hand, or entire being,on my body, makes my skin crawl.  My immediate reaction is irritation, followed by uncomfortableness. And I never questioned why, I just chalked it up to it being "who I am." But I don't wanna be that way.

When I think about love and being in love that thought has never not included being held and embraced ; caressed. But I don't know what that looks likes, feels likes, because I don't open myself up to that possibility. I am a very emotionally guarded person and there's a certain level of trust that I need in a person to allow them in my physical space. I never really thought about my dislike of physical interaction as a problem until very recently. And it all kind of hit me at once. Had I been suppressing a memory ? Is it a trust thing? Is there something wrong with me ?

Am I Broken?

I just can't understand why hugging comes natural to everyone but me; how being in someones arms could be something I both want and dread at the same time.

Until recently I never explored the true reasons for why I am so physically detached and honestly I never would have thought to; I have my friend to thank for that. He opened up a side of me that I didn't realize was there. Brought out the best of me, I guess you could say. I am glad he did.

So I have compiled a list of six reasons why I think  I detest physical touch and hopefully I can tackle them one by one .

1. "I just don't like it."- really more of a cover than anything.
1.  "I am afraid." - It's new , it's different. I am use to the boundaries I set now with my body, will introducing physical touch blur the lines for me? Can I stop myself from going too far?
2. "Really big on personal space" I think this applies more to platonic relationships and might be why I am not a "hugger." Still something that I want to work on.
3. "Influences"- I am learning that I have modeled a lot of my behaviors and patterns after my step-mother because for a long time she was my role model and someone that I look up to. Now that I see her through a different lens, so to speak, I am trying to disassociate
4. "I don't know how to be." That makes sense.
5. " For me , physical touch is synonymous with intimacy."- I found this one to be particularly eye opening because most people wouldn't consider something as innocent as a hug to be "intimate", but i guess I've always had a different way of viewing things. And with intimacy , for me, there has to be a high degree of trust. Remember , I'm only speaking on romantic, as far as platonic , the world might never know haha.
6. " Past Experience"So there was this guy, for the sake of letting demons die I won't rehash the story, and that experience I had with him left me feeling unsure of myself and very disgusted. So for a while I resented myself and didn't trust my judgement anymore. But that was 4 years ago and I am working on letting it go; not just suppressing it.

I say all this to say , it's never too late to be who you want to be. Sometimes all it takes is one person to come into your life and show you what it really means to want & need.

My dears, that is a bittersweet catch 22.

-Taj

Lovers Anonymous: Fourth Meeting

"Hello my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic"

Here I am again. At the cusp of head over heels ; seemingly by myself. But what's new? Falling is my expertise. Getting wrapped up and allowing my mind to call it something it's not.  I am the queen of reading between undrawn lines. Too scared to ask for what I want. Afraid of never being wanted. There's this constant cycle that just won't stop repeating. I fall, then they leave me. I fall way too easily. My heart strings mirror that of puppets' and they just keep on pulling. Is there a cure? A remedy? Something to make me, less me? Silence begets assumption. And I'll always assume the worse. It's my therapy. Underplay , overestimate. I remember now why I don't like being held. I don't to want to want you, your warmth, your arms around me. There's disappointment lurking in the background. The only constant thing in my life. The only thing I know for sure, is that you'll leave. So don't touch me. Again. I don't need that kind of attachment, I'll do that all on my own.

-Taj

"Waiting & Dating": Fireworks

All I see is fireworks, all I see is fireworks
Every night its fireworks every night its fireworks
All I see is fireworks all I see is fireworks
Taking off like fireworks takin' off like oh-ah-oh-oh 

-Drake "Fireworks"

He kissed me . And it was everything I thought it would be. I've been kissed before , but never so deeply. The other guy didn't mean it. I was nervous , I probably sucked at it, but my heart still hasn't stopped skipping a beat. The sky lit up, literally, and nothing else mattered. In his arms, the warmth of his body against mine; at peace. God. If I could bottle the moment the room spun and my breathing became erratic, maybe then you'd understand. I lived in the moment and that's something I've never been able to do. He did that for me. The girl who never felt safe in her own skin, embraced someone else's . 24 years. I waited. And as your lips touched mine I understood why. Whether forever or just that day, you were mine. They say you aren't suppose to kiss and tell, but you are secret I could never keep. If you're reading this, you got me.

-Taj

 

"Waiting & Dating": First Date at 24!

Let's call him Him .

I went on my first date EVER on a cold Tuesday afternoon in December . I opted not to wear a coat. Smart girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I saved the date in my notes. It was December 3rd. I kept it simple and opted for a red ,black and white cardigan I recently brought ( and LOVE) and some black linen pants . I had read somewhere that guys find the color red to be most attractive compared to other colors so I think that played a factor in what I wore. I decided on no makeup ; I prefer my face that way . I was hella nervous , like it was ridiculous and in retrospect there really wasn't any need to be . He took me to an Italian restaurant I've never been to and I ordered what I always do. Honestly my nerves kind of stunted my appetite so I didn't eat much . Besides the company was more important to me. We talk and ate , he paid . Then to spend a little more time together we just rode around . I still remembered feeling safe . And comfortable. I  can't say that for any other guy I've ever been around . I mean I let him pick me up from my dads , so there was a level of trust to start and he didn't make me regret it . He's also big on hugs and I hate them , but his can be an exception. His are an exception . This actually wasn't my first time meeting him , we met up on Thanksgiving and saw Creed ( Michael Bae Jordan is EVERYTHING) , but I don't consider that a date. I knew I liked him that night . I knew I was screwed . I knew nothing good could come from me catching feelings, but did that stop me ? Of course not . We've met up a few times after that and I how I felt , how I feel , hasn't changed . But I'm moving . And once again I'm back where I was at the start . Questioning when ? And somedays if . I'm so bad at reading people and he's no help . I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to get attached , I'll soon be 2,000 some miles away. Is it crazy of me to have hoped for something more ? Hoped that he would take the chance at trying to build something despite the distance . I guess us hopeless romantics have a different way of thinking . Either way , I am blessed to have met him & to have spent the little bit of time I did get. He will always be a good memory❤️