"Waiting & Dating": I Am Ready

One of my best-friends told me today "I think you need to go to church to find your husband." We weren't talking about relationships or anything , but I think she could feel that some of my frustration was from my lack of excitement in the area of romance. Well I wouldn't say lack as much as non-existence . And honestly it was some of the best unsolicited advice I have ever been given. I told her she was right and that we should go together. I've been saying recently that I would really like to get back into going to church regularly . But what I omitted was that I'm afraid . Afraid to go back , because I'm not the girl I use to be . In some ways I am thankful for that , but mostly I've changed for the not so good . I'm not who I use to be and while I know The Lord will love me anyway it's not so much him ,  but the people who knew me for what I was and what they'll think when they see me now. I could go on and on about how peoples opinion don't matter and they shouldn't but for me they do . I am embarrassed . And all I can think is that , what Godly man would look at me? I guess it's easier to look in the world because that's what I see when I look in the mirror. But that's not what I want. That's not who I want to be . So as scared as I am , as embarrassed as I am , I'm coming home. Because that's where I belong . Husband , your wife will be ready .. when you are.

Lovers Anonymous : Second Meeting

"Hi my name is Nataja Wells and I am a recovering hopeless romantic."

Okay so on average I have about 3-4 guys who contact me everyday . Not just here and there , when there bored or when they need something to do to past time , EVERYDAY. And I don't say that to brag because I'm honestly not feeling any of them . Nope , my simple self can't seem to get rid of the idea of you . You , who I haven't heard from in over a week if not more . You, who makes the bare minimum in conversation while guy number #2 has discussed everything under the sun and I practically know guy #4 like the back of my hand by now . Yes you. And I absolutely HATE it. For the life of me I'll  never understand why I always gravitate toward the guys who show the least effort possible. And the fact that the sound of your voice renders me speechless at times is just pathetic . I really must do better.  But I don't want to . I look forward to your once in a blue moon text messages that are at the most vague as hell . Why? Because I am the queen of reading between lines that haven't been drawn. I am the poster child for false hope.  I re-read old messages and think to myself maybe one day you'll see me , I mean really see me. And from there the rest will be history . Because why can't we live in a world where the guys we wants, want us back ?  I mean why not ?  Wishful thinking ? Yea, you're probably right .

"Waiting & Dating" - Is That Too Much To Ask?

I want to go on a date. I want a man to set aside an actual calendar date , orchestrate a time and a place and then formally invite me to accompany him. No texts or emails, an actual phone conversation laying out the details of what he has arranged for us ending in a simple but sweet invitation not laced in slyly inferred late night repayment. I want to go on a date. Opened doors and whole-hearted compliments. An entire evening spent not thinking to myself  "he's trying it." I'd like it to be somewhere intimate and quaint, where our words can be heard and comprehended. I am a woman of simplicity more impressed by effort than expensive. Be sure to remember that in your planning. However, it is a date, so while am I all for being understanding, I'm sure you're aware of what places would be more suitable for this outing. I want you to want to know more about me. I want us to ramble on about life and love and everything in between. I want to be more than heard through cellular sound waves, I want to be seen. I want to go a date. Not half-ass late night invitations or crack of dawn pointless conversations . I want to go a date. One that doesn't include your boys they crib and some booze, your mothers basement or any mix of the two. Because honestly all that is ,is a setup for late night sex and early morning regret and quite frankly I'm not interested in either. I want effort and interest , for you to make some kind of investment for something beyond just today. I am all too familiar with the wait.  I WANT TO GO ON A DATE. 

Is that too much to ask?

"You're All The Same" Type Men

The fact of the matter is, you will never be privileged to see the inside of my bedroom before I know your intentions. And even then, should I sense even a twinge of ill will , you can pretty much dead that thought altogether. I assure you I am nothing like the women you have dealt with previous to. And for that , I will never apologize. If I am not your "cup of tea" I promise I will take absolutely no offense to you not "drinking me." It takes a certain kind of man to appreciate what I bring to the table and if that's not you, no sweat. We can part ways now with no bad blood between us two, but what I don't want is an impersonator. I despise a pretender.We are grown and you are entitled to live your life according to your own terms , so by all means , do you, just don't trick me into believing you're someone you are not ; into thinking that you want what I want when in actuality you only desire what I can give you. I know you're not accustomed to a woman with standards and while that deeply saddens me I can't help but to wonder whether you are the way you are out of ignorance or cowardliness. But I digress. I am simply writing to express my frustration with "men" of your caliber, for lack of a better term. Men who rummage through life seeking out women for their assets and not their intellect , it's sad. For once I'd love to be complimented on my mental ingenuity, the way I speak in verse so fluently just something worth noticing. Something that says you're observational skills go deeper than my superficial layers. Do that and maybe then I can take you seriously. Because right now I don't. 

The Grass Isn't Always Greener (Believe me I checked)

 When it comes to sex I've always had a "So what's the big rush?" state of mind. I could never come to terms with why it was just this big "thing." Especially if you arent having it , seeing as though you get a lot of flack if you aren't . Sex is suppose to enhance a marriage , and in that context I can completely understand the need/want, but I'm not married (yet).  So maybe about a week back I took a survey on both my Instagram and Facebook account to get a better feel for whether or not I am really missing out on something . The general consensus is a huge resounding NO. Let me be the first to say I knew that already, but I thought I'd give it the benefit of the doubt . One of my many concerns with pre-martial sex is giving a piece of myself to someone who could very well leave soon after or worse I'll later regret even being with them. That's not to say that you can't do it the right way(for intents and purposes) and not have your regrets, but I feel like for me , knowing I did it the way I felt was best will trump any of those feelings. Okay so on to the results, the survey was answered by 12 people ( all women in their early to late 20's ) and the question was pretty straightforward : 

"How many people are still with the person they lost their virginity to ? If not, did it end on good terms & would you ever sleep with them again ?"

Of those 11 only 3 people are still with the person they lost their virginity to ( one waited until married which gives me hope) . And of the remaining 8 only one person stated that the relationship ended on good terms and that she would be willing to sleep with them again. The other 7 were very adamant about not wanting to go back to that relationship let alone sleeping with them again. And that's what stood out to me the most . While I'm glad that the 3 couples exist who are still together , I'm not naive enough to overlook the other 8. The last thing I want is to wait so long to share this gift with someone to somewhere along the lines regret it. Again , nothing's guaranteed , but the chances that a man will go through the entire process of marrying someone just for sex is a bit ludicrous . However, crazier things have happened though haha. All in all I sought out to see if the grass was greener on the other side , and I'm here to tell you , it's not ( in most cases). I don't knock anyone who chooses to have sex before marriage , that's not my place, all I can ask in return is for my decision to be respected . Because honestly , according to the facts , it ain't all it's cracked up to be ( the process not the actual action , I'm sure that's fairly lovely) 

Well , that's my take .